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That reminds me of a story.
After that last one, I thought you might all enjoy a short follow up.
After Al, Chuck, Leo, returned to their other lives back in the world, they kept getting requests from various Agencies and Bureaus for more mine closure data, mostly focusing upon lines of documentation. The various Bureaus desired monographs, road guides, technical reports, and most importantly, detailed step-by-step “How To” manuals.
My guys, now my fully credentialed doctored colleagues, were predictably reticent to write up “How To” manuals for something that was obviously not of their authorship nor inception.
“Fuckin’-A, Rock,” Leo tells me in a phone call, “They want me to fuckin’ basically claim-jump you writing up mine closing procedures. What’s with these goatfuckers? They figured they paid you enough and are now trying to run a goddamned end around? Collective shitheels. No fucking way I’d even think of crossing, even accidently, the Motherfuckin’ Pro from Dover.”
I replied that I had no idea, as after the initial contacts after the field season, I had heard precisely dick from any of the bureaus. Which is fine, as I’m busier than a one-armed paperhanger in a windstorm getting ready to shift the family some 12,700 kilometers east.
I thanked Leo for the intel and told him not to worry, it’s just bureaucracy misfiring at its finest.
“Fuckin’-A, Bubba,” replies Leo as he hangs up.
It suddenly goes all dusty in my office. “I’ve trained that boy well,” I sniff and chuckle heartily.
A short while later, Al wrote me that he’s been contacted by the Bureau/Agency and they are desirous that he lead a field trip with a gaggle of professors from various universities. They are also not all geologists, but Environmental Scientists, Hydrologists, something called an “Environmental Engineer,” and other forms of societal detritus.
He tells me that they wanted him to lead a group of these characters out into the desert for a couple of weeks and show them the mine closure procedures which he developed.
He was most adamant in assuring me that they contacted him, and that the terminology was also theirs. He was already otherwise engaged, so he naturally had to decline. However, he made it abundantly clear that he would never even entertain such a notion like the one they had posited.
I wrote him back, as he was down in Patagonia doing something more or less interesting and/or exciting, thanking him for the information and wishing him well on his expedition. Since he was in the field, I also included a couple of the recipes we enjoyed back in the Nevada desert.
He later tells me that the Gauchos he was working with down there have never heard of Pineapple Upside Down Cake and they absolutely were delighted by it. Come to find out, they also like potato juice and citrus drinks as well.
“Good ol’ Dr. Good-deed. Aide to all men.” I pondered.
I talked with Esme about all this and she was of the opinion that either they knew I was headed east or they wanted me to have some time off. I had been doing a lot of ad hoc work for both Agencies and Bureaus over the last few years.
“Of course,” I replied, “Never ascribe to malice what can best be defined by governmental bureaucracy and officiousness.”
So, time puttered on.
We were holding weekly ‘GROJ (Get Rid Of Junk) sales’ on our weekends. Since everything electrical we possessed was 120 VAC, and the rest of the world, it seems, is 220 VAC, I had to part with all my antiquated electronics. My Fisher Studio-Standard stereo system, Akai reel-to-reel 16-track tape machines, EMI TG12345 MK IV recording console, and Harmon-Kardon turntables and amplifiers.
It was painful. However, I rationalized, if I were to stick them in storage for a decade or two, I’d have re-paid for them via rental fees a couple or three times over. Plus, and all that sitting unused in a storage locker certainly wouldn’t be good for these vintage electronical gizmos.
Still, it was a painful time to pack them into the back of someone else’s vehicle.
I had to take all my firearms to my Brother-in-Law for safekeeping. Since he’s in Kentucky, he was both happy to accept and vowed to give them regular workouts. Even though he’s some form or another of mechanical engineer, I guess I could trust him.
One day, the home phone rings. It’s Chuck and he’s livid.
“Rock!” he hollers, “You know what those chapped bastards at the Bureau want from me? They want me to step in on your turf, and take a clan of idiot pseudo-geologists out in the field for a couple of weeks and train them in mine closing. Can you fucking believe that?”
“Chuck,,” I say, “Whoa. Cool down. Leo and Al report the same, so it just looks like you were next on the list. So, going to take them up on their offer?”
“Don’t make me laugh, Doc!” Chuck asks, “First: I’m busy. Second: I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to handle logistics, camping, explosives, and all that other bureaucratic horseshit you somehow put up with. Third: I really don’t want a midnight visit from you and your bag of tricks because I’ve pissed you off by taking credit for what’s rightfully yours.”
“What is the fucking deal?” I ask Chuck, “I’m not like that at all. Everyone thinks I’m going go out and frag them because the Bureau asks them to do a job I did previously. Damn, I’m the most laid-back, gregarious, and even-tempered person on the planet; and I’ll mutilate the miserable manky motherfucker that says I’m not.”
Chuck laughs nervously.
“Hyperbole aside,” I continue, “It’s just that they know I’m headed out to the Middle East and don’t want to bother me right now; I suppose.”
“Umm, Rock,” Chuck clears his thought, and gulps, “That’s not the reason they told me.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, “What did they give as a reason?”
“Now, Rock, don’t take this wrong. This is Bureau-speak, not me,” Chuck wants to make the point vodka-clear, “But they felt you were the wrong person to lead this group of ‘scholars’. They were concerned with your…”
Hesitation.
“Spill it, Chuck,” I say.
“Demeanor,” Chuck says, “Your conduct, your deportment, your behavior…”
“I see someone got a Thesaurus for Christmas,” I said.
“Rock, that’s them, not me,” Chuck continues, “They said you are too ‘wild and wooly’ to conduct this field expedition of ‘noted scholars’.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, rhetorically.
“Just reporting to you what they told me, Bossman.” Chuck offers.
“I appreciate it, Chuck. Thanks.” I reply, “Don’t sweat it. I’ll take it from here.”
You could hear an audible expression of relief when we broke connection.
After a couple of cocktails, I had simmered down a bit. Esme says that I need to call my Agency buddies and get the lowdown on the situation, as they’ll know what’s going on.
For once, Esme is also very, very pissed off about the whole situation. Mama Bear’s claws were getting sharpened.
“You are gone for months,” Es exclaims, “Train a bunch of greenhorns, exceed project requirements by over 200%, supply crucial scientific data on forensic activities, and take out a disaster they didn’t even know existed in that mine with the locker full of explosives!”
“Yeah,” I reply, “Does seem a wee bit unappreciative.”
“And then they pull this kind of shit!,” Es yells further, “Those ungrateful bastards. Fuck ‘em. Let them stew in their own futility. They call and you tell them to get stuffed. After all you did for them…”
“Now, now, Dearest,” say, “Let me call Rack and Ruin. If anyone has the skinny on all this, they’ll have all the latest dope.”
“Bastards!,” Es cries, “You damn near get killed several times over and this is their thanks?”
“Yeah, I know, Darling,” I say, “Does seems a bit ungrateful and duplicitous.”
Esme hands me the phone.
“Phone. Call. Now.” She orders.
Looks like I just got my marchin’ orders.
“Yes, my love,” I reply. Even I know when I’m out-matched.
RING RING RING
Agent Rack answers and we go through the usual pleasantries…
“What the flying fuck you mean ‘I’m too dangerous’?” I question Agent Rack.
“Well, Doctor,” Rack tries to explain, “Your ‘cavalier’ attitude towards explosives. More of your ‘relationship’ with them. Not showing the proper deference…”
“WHAT?,” I roar, “Ask anyone that has worked with me in the field! ‘Safety first, last, and foremost’. Just that I don’t fret and quail around explosives like a bunch of phonophobic, jumped-up, wet-pantied shuddering schoolgirls, when I have to demolish something, doesn’t mean I’m anything other than a goddamned consummate professional.”
“Plus, Doctor, ” Rack continues, “It’s not the 1880’s any longer. A Stetson? A sidearm? A .454 Casull Magnum at that…”
“You have got to be yanking my crank here, Rack.” I angrily reply, as I really hate it when someone calls me Doctor like that, “The hat keeps the sun off my head so I don’t get addled like those fuckers you’re talking with at the Bureau. The sidearm is for safety. Oh, yes; there’s that word again. It’s a fucking tool, just like my Estwing hammers or my galvanometer.”
“Can’t kill anyone with a galvanometer,” Rack replies.
“But I could with a hammer, myriad ways” I reply, “And give me five minutes, I’d figure out a way to ‘extract’ someone with a galvanometer...”
“Doctor, do let me let you talk with Agent Ruin; I’m needed elsewhere,,” he tells me.
Agent Ruin takes the phone. It’s the old Agency Two-Step.
“Doctor is distraught,” he observes.
“No, ‘Doctor’ is just plain damned mad.” I reply, “They contract me for a job that has never been attempted before and I complete it beyond their wildest expectations! This is my recompense?”
“Well, Doctor,” Ruin continues, “I’m sure it’s strictly a business decision. It’s obviously nothing personal.”
“It sure as fuck sounds personal,” I gripe back, as now I’ve gone from annoyed to genuinely pissed off, “I’m surprised they didn’t say something derogatory about my Hawaiian shirts.”
“Oh, they did,” Agent Ruin lets slip.
“Oh? OK, Fine. That’s is then,” I reply, “The joyfulness of this whole experience has left the building. Tell them to strike me from their fucking list. I’m done with them. I wash my hands of them. I’m off east anyways. Fuck that bunch of paper-pushing, deskbound, pencil-necked dickheads. Fuck them. Fuck them solid. Fuck them ‘till they bleed.”
“Strong message to follow,” I add.
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin reminds me, “Do I need to remind you that all our conversations are recorded?”
“Oh, fuck no. I know that. So fucking what?” I growl, “Like I’m going to get tossed in Guantanamo for expressing a personal opinion? I can still do that in this fine country. Or has the First Amendment been repealed in my absence?”
“Doctor, you’re obviously agitated,’ Ruin adds, “Perhaps we’ll talk again later when you’ve calmed down before you head to the Middle East.”
“Yeah, about that,” I reply, “You shady characters can cross me off your fucking list as well. You’ve done nothing for me on this latest concern. Nothing! You couldn’t even give me the courtesy of a motherfucking heads-up. Guess that tells me all I need to know about the future of our relationship. Goodbye, Agent Ruin. Give Agent Rack my ‘Da Svidonya. I won’t be answering your calls any longer.
“Doctor, I, um, wait…”Agent Ruin sputters.
I continue: “And as long as I’m at it, tell that other Bureau to go hang as well. They want more data or shit from me, tell them to go find it elsewhere. And also tell them good luck with that. The three experts that exist in the world apart from me already told them to get bent. At least they possess loyalty and a dollop of comradeship. I’ll be shipping your phone and other items back via parcel post. Hasta la vista, Herr Ruin. Have a day.”
CLICK-KER -FUCKING-SMASH! I hang up in the rudest way possible.
“Clapped-out assholes,” I muse. “All those years of working together. All those years of building relationships around the world. It’s all kyboshed over a fucking Hawaiian shirt. I guess it was inevitable. Either I became too specialized or evolved myself out of being useful to them. Ah, well, their loss. Can’t be helped…”
I take a healthy swig right from the prime vodka bottle. OK, several.
“FUCKERS!” I scream at the wood-paneled ceiling, shaking my fist in vehement rage at the clouds coolly cruising by outside my window.
Esme doesn’t come running. She doesn’t have to. She knows the score.
I ship the Agency’s toys back to them with a terse note: “Thanks for all the nothing. Here’s your shit back. Dr. Rocknocker. PS: Get stuffed.”
Not my best effort, I’ll agree. However, I was really pissed at that point.
Now I have the time to devote solely to relocating my family and I overseas. Gad, there’s so much crap one must go through. What to sell, what goes in storage, what to trash, what to give away…the lists are endless.
First to go are all my power tools. Fuckbuckets. It took me decades to amass that collection. I got a good price, sure, but now I’m more or less without a hobby. We decide to put all Esme’s lapidary equipment in storage. It’s too specialized to generate much interest, much less a decent price. Besides, they won’t rot in our absence.
I can ship my fishing gear and golf clubs overseas. They’re American, but at least not 120 VAC.
Our house goes on the market and we have to get it spiffed to within an inch of its life. Got to have that ‘curb appeal’. Good, let someone else do it, I’m busy. More unexpected expense.
I give our house contractors out in New Mexico their marching orders. It’s going slow and will be a seasonal thing, but they guarantee me the house will be ready by next summer if they can source the slabs of Baraboo Quartzite I want. Splendid, that’s something I don’t have to follow up on every day.
Then there’s our aquarium. 250 gallons of treated Houston water, loaded with native Texan fish and a couple of cranky Jack Dempseys. All the gear, filters, pumps, water polishers, heaters, treaters, all of it. Has to go.
My ex-Utah Mormon drinking buddy down the road expresses interest. I basically let him have it gratis on the one condition he takes everything, fish included. He has to keep the fish alive and happy their entire lives. I’ve raised some from minnows and have grown attached to a couple of the gaspergou and a certain smallmouth bass with those big brown eyes…
Digger, my stalwart mechanic, is going to purchase my truck. It’s a bittersweet parting, but at least I know it’ll have a great home. Digger is going to use it as both his personal truck and his company’s hot-shot vehicle for pick-up and delivery of everything from batteries to full drivetrains. I know the vehicle will be in good hands.
Our Land Rover is up for grabs. Few are interested, though; buyer’s market. It’s a couple of years old and has lots of miles, due to Houston being so stupid-big. I order an extra-large bottle of AstroGlide as I know I’m going to be taking it up the ass on this one…
Finally, our pets.
Reluctantly, I’ve agreed to take the cat. It’s a stupid little feline that I figure we can just toss in a suitcase and drag it with us overseas. No, I guess we’ll get a cat-carrier and figure it out with the airlines.
Then there’s Lady. 135 kilos of dopey puppy. She’s getting up in years, as well, especially for a giant breed. Luckily, overseas we’ll be living on a Western compound. So if we go through all the rigmarole of quarantine, getting her a ‘pet passport’, and shipping via a specialist service, Lady can bark at the tenets of pre-Islam (dogs really aren’t haram), and actually join us in our new home.
This is going to cost a fortune, but I don’t care. She’s an integral part of the family, she is going to join us.
I find a Pet Relocation Service and begin the masses of insane paperwork. It’s an ‘all-in’ service, basically door-to-door. But do not be deluded, they charge every micrometer of the way.
Vaccinations, chipping (she already was fitted with an RFID chip), booking, boarding, securing vet services, obtaining health certificates, securing import permits, dealing with all issues related to customs clearance, interacting with foreign agents, supplying IATA approved crates, and obtaining Municipality tags registration for new arrivals.
Gonna cost me a couple-three-four kilobucks. Worth every penny.
Esme, the kids and I are working on beginning packing, tossing this, wrapping that, sentimentalizing over the other thing when we get a ring at the door.
It’s a bonded courier. He has a package for me.
It’s of the size that would contain about 6-months’ worth of Playboy magazines, and has no external address. I sign for the thing and walk back to the kitchen.
“What you got there, Rock?” Es asks.
“Not sure,” I reply, “But it came via bonded courier.”
“Well, open it,” Es smiles. She loves surprises.
I do so and it’s a series of articles, re-prints, and other information regarding Nevada, mine closures, and the Mine Closure Act. There’s also a number of newspaper and magazine clippings that had been photo-copied into a dozen-page document. All of them, write-ups and reviews from different newspapers, house organs, and journals citing my work with the guys out in the field.
I open it further and there’s a personal note from Dr. Sam Muleshoe, and a certified check, made out in my name.
Seems I was correct. After exhausting their leads with Al, Leo, and Chuck, they have spent near a month trying to find someone to take over the project. “To fill my shoes,” as Dr. Sam Muleshoe notes.
They came up totally empty.
“Told ya’ so.” I gloated. Esme smiles a wide schadenfreude-fueled smile.
I look at the check. It’s plenty healthy, but not superhero strength.
I show Es and she laughs out loud.
“So,” Es whoops, “They think they can get back in your good graces by buying you off? Hah! Fat chance,” she says and regards the check, “Hell. They’re not even close.”
I agree with Esme passionately.
I write a quick, hand-scribbled note to Dr. Muleshoe, thanking him for the information. I give several options, some admittedly anatomically impossible, regarding what he can do with the check and the Bureau’s offer.
I wrap it back up with duct-tape, call the courier service, and return it to Reno, COD.
A couple of days later, I receive a phone call. Surprise, surprise, it’s from Reno.
“Rock, it’s Reno!,” Es tells me.
I shake my head “no!” slicing my hand through the air in the head-chop mime.
“Tell him I’ve gone bush in darkest Outer Albania and you have no idea when I’ll be back,” I say.
Esme looks a bit sheepish, as we can hear the phone remark: “I can hear you, you know.”
“Fuckbuckets,” I think, “OK, hand me the rap-rod.”
“Yeah?” I growl, very grizzly-like into the infernal communication device.
“Hello, Rock. This is Sam Muleshoe,” the phone reports.
“Damn,” I exclaim, “I guess you characters can’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Which word fucking confused you?”
“Rock, what’s the god damned deal?,” Sam asks innocently, “Why all the bloody hostility?”
“Oh, double-fuck me!” I say metaphorically, “Don’t act like you don’t know. Try and snake the latest field mine closing job out from under me and try to snag my guys. Then, when that fails, give some sort of bullshit report to Rack and Ruin. You think I’m ‘too cavalier’, too “wild and wooly’, and think I’m some goddamned 19th-century throwback that loves horrible Hawaiian shirts…”
“Doc?,” Sam asks, “Are you currently fucking drunk? What the actual fuck are you rabbeting on about?”
“Sam, I’m stone-cold fucking sober,” I reply, “Yeah. I know, that’s a first. But listen here Scooter. You must have balls of brass trying to sweet-talk me into running another field course after all you did…”
“Rock,” Sam pleads, “Please, believe me, I have no idea what you’re on about. Can we talk and maybe figure this thing out?”
“No!,” I holler, “I’m done talking with the likes of your Bureau. Nothing you can do or say to rebuild the bridges they’ve burned with me.”
“OK,” he says, “Doct…, err, Rock, buddy. Calm your tits. Give me the Reader’s Digest version. I’ll look into it, because I have absolutely no idea what this is all about. This really sounds serious, with fuck-up overtones. Trust me, I’m serious as the last cold can of beer on a field trip.”
“Marvelous.” I say, “I guess I owe you that much. Professional courtesy. At least one of us has the grit to employ some.”
So, I run through the tale of the travails of Al, Chuck, and Leo. Then my little difference of opinion with Agents Rack, Ruin, and the Agency. Plus my severing of ties with both that Agency out on the east coast and the Bureaus in the great American Southwest.
“Doctor,” Sam says intently, “I know it’s going to be difficult, but I swear on a box of your finest cigars with a vodka chaser that I didn’t know anything about all this nor did it come from this office. Por favor señor, let me do some digging. I’ll be back in touch.”
“Sam,” I say, thinking over the situation, “Yeah…I must apologize for my previous outbursts. I should have known you’re not behind this idiocy. Yeah, go do some fossicking. Let me know what you dig up. Again, sorry. I was a bit…animated.”
“Rock,” Sam chuckles, “Do you think that I’d dare anger someone like you? You must think I’ve got a serious case of cranial lithification to cheese-off the Motherfucking Pro from Dover!”
At this point, I knew that Sam was also only collateral damage; he too was caught in the crossfire. Ground zero for the original attacks lie elsewhere within the Bureau.
Esme and I go back to preparing for our trip coming up in 2 months. But Jesus Q. Christwagons, there’s so much to do. Everything you own; it gets packed, stored, or trashed.
It’s the decisions that get so tiring. Keep. Toss. Sell. Burn. Leave on someone’s doorstep.
I propose to Es that we just do the basic necessities. Then we hire some firm to finish up for us. It’d be worth the cost since just think what we’d be saving on aspirin and Ace Bandages.
Esme readily backs the idea that we should turn the job over to someone else. Plus in the interim, we can take a trip back home to Baja Canada so the kids could visit their grandparents, we visit our family, and all of us could cool out a bit before the big trip east.
I need to drop by Big Ray’s Tap for a few hours/days anyways.
Old commitments.
We’d go the beginning of our last month here in the States, spend a couple of weeks visiting family at home, leave the kids with the grandparents to get spoiled rotten. Es and I would return to Houston to finalize everything.
Then Es and I would fly from Houston to that damn sprawling annoyance of an airport on the big lake in Illinoise. The family would meet us there, handover the kids, and we’d all haul ass eastwards to the Middle East.
I readily agreed. Anything has to be better than dealing with this crapola.
Lady and the stupid cat would go to the pet schleppers a little early. Sure, it’d cost a few more dinars, but that’s one big headache sorted.
So, late one afternoon, I’m sitting in my office, trying to figure out exactly what reference works I couldn’t live without.
Compton’s? Save. Field Guide to Fungus? Toss. No, wait a minute. Could prove useful.
That’s why this is taking forever.
The phone rings.
It’s Sam.
“Hello, Sam,” I say, “What news?”
“Goddamn it all to fucking hell and back,” Sam roars.
“That’s a unique greeting,” I reply.
“I finally drilled down to the bottom of all this horseshit.,” Sam replies, “And it’s a real bowl of fuck all the way south.”
“I’m listening,” I say, “Actually, Sam, hold on. I need a drink. Moment.”
I give Es the high sign, note it’s Sam on the phone, and that I’ll be in my office if she hears any screaming.
I amp up my drink and return to my office, closing the door behind me.
Lady is here, waiting to keep my feet warm.
“OK Sam, your nickel,” I say, “What’s the scoop?”
“Would you believe?,” he begins, “That all batshittery this came from accounting and bookkeeping?”
“Well,” I reply, “I’ll have to admit that I’m not overly surprised.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “I was off on holiday. My first two weeks off after 5 years. My very temporary replacement received a memo from the head of the Bureau that there was great interest in you leading a shortened version of your last trip to demonstrate to a bunch of different university PhDs in the care and feeding of abandoned mines. Seems the Bureau Chief was very impressed with what you and your team accomplished.”
“OK,” I reply, “With you so far. So, where did things get wrapped around a tractor’s nuts?”
“Right,” he replies, “Here’s where things first went off the rails. Whoever vetted the list of potential attendees sorted the list alphabetically, not by field of expertise. Of course, the obvious first choice would be for geologists; especially those with mining, field, and blasting experience.”
“Ah,” I replied, “No wonder it was such a miscellaneous bunch of baloney-loaf whole-grain enviro-types that Al had mentioned.”
“Yep,” Sam agreed, “But before anyone with any brains got sight of that list, some fucknuts in the Bureau’s University Liaison department sent out invitations.”
“Invitations?” I asked, “To what?”
“That’s just the thing,” Sam continued, “They sent out invites to a program that didn’t yet exist, run by someone who had yet to be contacted, much less secured.”
“Oh, hey! That’s some good work you guys do down there.” I snort.
“Indeed,” Sam agrees, “So once that hit the mail, we started getting back replies and acceptances.”
“And there was no project, no leader, no logistics…?” I asked.
“No shit,” Sam scoffs. “So, what did these idiots here do? Contact the attendees and explain the problem. Take a little flack, but get it sorted out then try again?”
“Let me guess,” I said, “No?”
“Nope,” Sam sighs, “By that time, it was in the works and in the hands of accountants.”
“Oh, fuck,” I commiserated. “I feel your pain.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “They see that you’re the hookin’ bull on the last one and they dig into your contract. They figure, ‘Whoa, he’s way too expensive, just look at these expense accounts’, so they do an end-around and contact your colleagues.”
“Al, Chuck, and Leo. They’re damn good guys,” I said, “Fine field scientists, all. But I don’t think any of them have the moxie or experience yet to run a whole field course.”
“These accounting shitheads never bothered to find out,” Sam groans, “It was all ‘bottom line’, so you got caught in the squeeze.”
“OK,” I reply, “I see how that happened, but what about all the shit about me being a 19th-century throwback, that I’m unsafe, wear horrible Hawaiian shirts, and all that shit?”
“Comedy of bloody errors,” Sam says, “Actually, the Bureau Chief likes your fashion sense; you should see some of his shirts. But your slime campaign was based on unreliable evidence, tall tales, folklore, and outright fabrications. It was easy to pimp someone with a personality like yours, it’s been said. Someone was trying desperately to cover his ass. However, we have identified the perpetrator.”
“Next time I’m in Reno,” I said, “I’ll pay him a friendly little visit and arrange his transport to Neptune. One way. Y’know, it’d be easy for someone with a ‘personality like mine’.”
“Ah, yeah. He won’t be here,” Sam says, “In fact, we don’t know where the hell he went. He was immediately sacked, as were a couple of the more boneheaded accountants.”
“That’s redundant,” I smirk, “They really don’t want to talk with or see me anytime soon.”
“Right, then Rock,” Sam says, “We green again?”
“Yeah, Sam,” I reply, “Sure. Green as a New Saigon. But you’ve got to call Rack and Ruin for me. You have to let them know how this whole clusterfuck came to be. We had some words a while back.”
“Oh, yeah,” Sam remembers, “I talked with them the other day. They said they’ll be in Houston in a couple of days.”
“Cor! Just what I fucking need right now,” I lament. “Ah, it is what it is.”
“OK, Rock. Now, back to reality. You interested?” Sam asks.
“Send me a JD (job description) and the project particulars. The price of poker’s really going up this time, Sam. Stratospheric. Sorry, it’s all just business.” I relate.
“Yeah…,” Sam sighs, “I figure we’ll really owe you if you can drag our ass out of the campfire on this one.”
“You have no idea,” I chuckle. We exchange farewells and ring off.
Now I have some talking to do with my significant other.
Since we were all set to go back to Baja Canada, I could use those two weeks to go to Nevada, if necessary. I can be back in Houston with Es for the last two weeks before we’re slated to travel, and we can sort out the house.
“This won’t be an easy sell,” I muse, before chatting with my darling, brilliant, and ever-so-forgiving partner.
“I’ll need a drink first”, I declare.
Esme notes that it would be nice to have a little spare cash with us when we move overseas.
You could have dropped me with a Claymore. Es never fails to flummox me.
So, provisional OK from the powers that be. Now all I have to do is wait on Sam’s prospectus.
The next day, the doorbell rings. It’s Agents Rack and Ruin.
One is holding a box of very expensive cigars, and one is holding a bottle of very expensive bourbon.
I turn to Es and remark, “Look here, darlin’. Geeks bearing gifts.”
“Hello, Doctor,” Rack says, bristling, “We need to talk. “
“Why?” I ask, “I do seem to recall that I’m no longer associated with you people any longer.”
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin cocks his head contritely, bowing ever so slightly, “May we please have a moment of your time?”
I look to Es. She shrugs her shoulders. Luckily I’m partial to Es’ opinion. I am also partial to good bourbon and cigars, especially when someone else is paying for them. So I shrug my shoulders as well and tell them to make entry.
“My office, “ I say, “You know the way. Mind the boxes.”
Once in my office, the Agents stack their offerings and go on in great detail, basically collaborating Sam’s story. I remain steadfast and stony as the Harney Peak Granite of Mr. Rushmore fame. I’m not giving anything away any longer.
“Well, Doctor,” Agent Ruin finalizes, “That’s the story, warts and all.”
“Yep, it is pretty warty,” I agree, “So?”
“We would like to rekindle our relationship,” Agent Rack reports, “These are for starters.”
He hands me the cigars and booze; plus another box.
“Thanks,” I say, “But just because I accept your peace offerings, that doesn’t mean we’re going to turn back the clock.”
“What are you suggesting?” Agent Ruin asks.
“No more consulting,” I reply, “I want in. The ‘Full Monty’, as it were. If I’m going overseas and work for some twitchy Middle Eastern sandpit’s national oil company, I want perks, tabs, and my ass duly covered.”
“Work two full-time jobs simultaneously?” Agent Rack asks.
“However you want to structure it,” I say, “No more consulting. From here on out, you want me, you’re making me a full-fledged full-timer.”
Agents Rack and Ruin look at each other, enquiringly.
“Doctor,” Agent Rack replies, “We are prepared to offer you an ad hoc Agency appointment. You will be fully attached but you will be also doing your full-time job in the other country.”
“I’m listening. Tell me more,” I ask, “What exactly are you offering?”
“Full access to all pertinent information,” Agent Ruin continues, “Full entrée to appropriate facilities and, um, assets. Security for you and your family in case of, well, shall; we say, ‘difficulties’. Monthly minimum payment of [$$$] to any non-US bank of your choice. Extra duties would be duly compensated. Top clearances. An enhanced potential payment package, bonus possibilities, and full benefits for you.”
“Full benefits for me and my family,” I say, “Or there’s the door. Non-negotiable” I point out.
“Very well. That had been anticipated.” Agent Rack replies.
“Gentlemen,” I say, “Let us shake on what I hope turns out to be a beautiful relationship.”
We shake hands and I sign my life away. I’m really in it now, up to my neck. I have to learn to shut up more and just listen.
“Now, gents,” I say, “In order to seal the deal, let us break out the drinking stuff you’ve brought along. We will also smoke together so that we will know there will be no lies or deceit between us.”
“Also anticipated, Doctor,” both agents agree.
My ‘new’ old colleagues prepare to leave a while later, after a cigar, and far too much of what was a full bottle of expensive gift booze. They always get you in the end.
Contained within the other small box were my new Agency credentials, updated version satellite phone, secure codes, and a nifty new Swiss Army Knife, with a built-in cigar cutter.
With renewed dedication and expectations all ‘round, Agents Rack and Ruin take their leave.
They hope to be able to meet me and the family, remember, they are Uncles Rack and Ruin, overseas one day in the not too distant future. My information, further updated cards, registration, and all that official business guff will come to the specific Middle Eastern country’s US Embassy for me once we arrive and get settled.
“Marvelous,” I muse.
I receive an Email from Dr. Muleshoe explaining what we talked about and his hopes for my stickhandling a ‘quick’ 2-week field excursion for the approximately 15 Ph.D. types from around North America. Seems there’s a couple of Canadians and one Mexican professor that expressed desires to join. They had actually forwarded funds to be included in our number.
Sam suggests I drive out in my truck and proceed as per the last trip. Get the trailer, fill it with noisemakers, and the Bureau would sort out transportation and lodging for the attendees. Seems some want to camp, like real geologists, and some want to lodge in hotels, like real non-geologists.
I write Sam back:
First item: this is a 2-week sojourn into the desert. It’s a field meeting, emphasis on the field, not a tour of Nevada’s many fine hotels, resorts, and casinos.
Item two: I no longer possess my truck. The Bureau will provide me with the appropriate vehicular equivalent. No passengers, this will be the Camp Chief truck from the onset. Besides, I am the only one licensed to drive the vehicle when coupled to an explosives-laden trailer.
Item three: I will be flown to and from Reno from Houston. No buses, trains, or automobiles. It’s business class or zilch.
Item the fourth: the Bureau will source the necessary support logisticians to provide food, drink, and toilet paper for the 16 professionals while we are in the field. They will also need to provide cooks, dishwashers, camp tidiers, and the like as I don’t have time to deal with 15 potentially field-fresh, whiny waterhead PhDs.
Item the fifth: The Bureau will provide for all pre- and post-trip handling of participants. They can handle hotel rooms for the early arrivers or late-stayers. They can manage arrivals, registration, signing of necessary documents, and assuring vaccination records are up to snuff, waivers are signed, etc. They will also handle the transportation of participants to/from and during the field project, when and where necessary.
Item the sixth: I include a new version of my contract. Force Majeure, ‘Take or Pay’ clause. Door to door coverage. Plus my, ahem, augmented day rate. Absolutely non-negotiable.
Item seven: I have final say over what is done in the field. I am in command, the boss, the head cheese, the head honcho, and I require absolute discipline, especially where explosives are concerned. “My way or the highway” will be the theme of the trip. Gain, non-negotiable.
To be continued.

Autolinking New TLDs Test

example.AAA
example.AARP
example.ABARTH
example.ABB
example.ABBOTT
example.ABBVIE
example.ABC
example.ABLE
example.ABOGADO
example.ABUDHABI
example.AC
example.ACADEMY
example.ACCENTURE
example.ACCOUNTANT
example.ACCOUNTANTS
example.ACO
example.ACTIVE
example.ACTOR
example.AD
example.ADAC
example.ADS
example.ADULT
example.AE
example.AEG
example.AERO
example.AETNA
example.AF
example.AFAMILYCOMPANY
example.AFL
example.AG
example.AGAKHAN
example.AGENCY
example.AI
example.AIG
example.AIGO
example.AIRBUS
example.AIRFORCE
example.AIRTEL
example.AKDN
example.AL
example.ALFAROMEO
example.ALIBABA
example.ALIPAY
example.ALLFINANZ
example.ALLSTATE
example.ALLY
example.ALSACE
example.ALSTOM
example.AM
example.AMERICANEXPRESS
example.AMERICANFAMILY
example.AMEX
example.AMFAM
example.AMICA
example.AMSTERDAM
example.ANALYTICS
example.ANDROID
example.ANQUAN
example.ANZ
example.AO
example.APARTMENTS
example.APP
example.APPLE
example.AQ
example.AQUARELLE
example.AR
example.ARAMCO
example.ARCHI
example.ARMY
example.ARPA
example.ART
example.ARTE
example.AS
example.ASDA
example.ASIA
example.ASSOCIATES
example.AT
example.ATHLETA
example.ATTORNEY
example.AU
example.AUCTION
example.AUDI
example.AUDIBLE
example.AUDIO
example.AUSPOST
example.AUTHOR
example.AUTO
example.AUTOS
example.AVIANCA
example.AW
example.AWS
example.AX
example.AXA
example.AZ
example.AZURE
example.BA
example.BABY
example.BAIDU
example.BANAMEX
example.BANANAREPUBLIC
example.BAND
example.BANK
example.BAR
example.BARCELONA
example.BARCLAYCARD
example.BARCLAYS
example.BAREFOOT
example.BARGAINS
example.BAUHAUS
example.BAYERN
example.BB
example.BBC
example.BBT
example.BBVA
example.BCG
example.BCN
example.BD
example.BE
example.BEATS
example.BEAUTY
example.BEER
example.BENTLEY
example.BERLIN
example.BEST
example.BESTBUY
example.BET
example.BF
example.BG
example.BH
example.BHARTI
example.BI
example.BIBLE
example.BID
example.BIKE
example.BING
example.BINGO
example.BIO
example.BIZ
example.BJ
example.BLACK
example.BLACKFRIDAY
example.BLANCO
example.BLOCKBUSTER
example.BLOG
example.BLOOMBERG
example.BLUE
example.BM
example.BMS
example.BMW
example.BN
example.BNL
example.BNPPARIBAS
example.BO
example.BOATS
example.BOEHRINGER
example.BOFA
example.BOM
example.BOND
example.BOO
example.BOOK
example.BOOKING
example.BOOTS
example.BOSCH
example.BOSTIK
example.BOT
example.BOUTIQUE
example.BR
example.BRADESCO
example.BRIDGESTONE
example.BROADWAY
example.BROKER
example.BROTHER
example.BRUSSELS
example.BS
example.BT
example.BUDAPEST
example.BUGATTI
example.BUILD
example.BUILDERS
example.BUSINESS
example.BUY
example.BUZZ
example.BV
example.BW
example.BY
example.BZ
example.BZH
example.CA
example.CAB
example.CAFE
example.CAL
example.CALL
example.CALVINKLEIN
example.CAM
example.CAMERA
example.CAMP
example.CANCERRESEARCH
example.CANON
example.CAPETOWN
example.CAPITAL
example.CAPITALONE
example.CAR
example.CARAVAN
example.CARDS
example.CARE
example.CAREER
example.CAREERS
example.CARS
example.CARTIER
example.CASA
example.CASH
example.CASINO
example.CAT
example.CATERING
example.CBA
example.CBN
example.CBRE
example.CBS
example.CC
example.CD
example.CEB
example.CENTER
example.CEO
example.CERN
example.CF
example.CFA
example.CFD
example.CG
example.CH
example.CHANEL
example.CHANNEL
example.CHASE
example.CHAT
example.CHEAP
example.CHINTAI
example.CHLOE
example.CHRISTMAS
example.CHROME
example.CHRYSLER
example.CHURCH
example.CI
example.CIPRIANI
example.CIRCLE
example.CISCO
example.CITADEL
example.CITI
example.CITIC
example.CITY
example.CITYEATS
example.CK
example.CL
example.CLAIMS
example.CLEANING
example.CLICK
example.CLINIC
example.CLINIQUE
example.CLOTHING
example.CLOUD
example.CLUB
example.CLUBMED
example.CM
example.CN
example.CO
example.COACH
example.CODES
example.COFFEE
example.COLLEGE
example.COLOGNE
example.COM
example.COMCAST
example.COMMBANK
example.COMMUNITY
example.COMPANY
example.COMPARE
example.COMPUTER
example.COMSEC
example.CONDOS
example.CONSTRUCTION
example.CONSULTING
example.CONTACT
example.CONTRACTORS
example.COOKING
example.COOKINGCHANNEL
example.COOL
example.COOP
example.CORSICA
example.COUNTRY
example.COUPON
example.COUPONS
example.COURSES
example.CR
example.CREDIT
example.CREDITCARD
example.CREDITUNION
example.CRICKET
example.CROWN
example.CRS
example.CRUISES
example.CSC
example.CU
example.CUISINELLA
example.CV
example.CW
example.CX
example.CY
example.CYMRU
example.CYOU
example.CZ
example.DABUR
example.DAD
example.DANCE
example.DATE
example.DATING
example.DATSUN
example.DAY
example.DCLK
example.DDS
example.DE
example.DEAL
example.DEALER
example.DEALS
example.DEGREE
example.DELIVERY
example.DELL
example.DELOITTE
example.DELTA
example.DEMOCRAT
example.DENTAL
example.DENTIST
example.DESI
example.DESIGN
example.DEV
example.DHL
example.DIAMONDS
example.DIET
example.DIGITAL
example.DIRECT
example.DIRECTORY
example.DISCOUNT
example.DISCOVER
example.DISH
example.DIY
example.DJ
example.DK
example.DM
example.DNP
example.DO
example.DOCS
example.DOCTOR
example.DODGE
example.DOG
example.DOHA
example.DOMAINS
example.DOT
example.DOWNLOAD
example.DRIVE
example.DTV
example.DUBAI
example.DUCK
example.DUNLOP
example.DUNS
example.DUPONT
example.DURBAN
example.DVAG
example.DZ
example.EARTH
example.EAT
example.EC
example.ECO
example.EDEKA
example.EDU
example.EDUCATION
example.EE
example.EG
example.EMAIL
example.EMERCK
example.ENERGY
example.ENGINEER
example.ENGINEERING
example.ENTERPRISES
example.EPOST
example.EPSON
example.EQUIPMENT
example.ER
example.ERICSSON
example.ERNI
example.ES
example.ESQ
example.ESTATE
example.ESURANCE
example.ET
example.EU
example.EUROVISION
example.EUS
example.EVENTS
example.EVERBANK
example.EXCHANGE
example.EXPERT
example.EXPOSED
example.EXPRESS
example.EXTRASPACE
example.FAGE
example.FAIL
example.FAIRWINDS
example.FAITH
example.FAMILY
example.FAN
example.FANS
example.FARM
example.FARMERS
example.FASHION
example.FAST
example.FEDEX
example.FEEDBACK
example.FERRARI
example.FERRERO
example.FI
example.FIAT
example.FIDELITY
example.FIDO
example.FILM
example.FINAL
example.FINANCE
example.FINANCIAL
example.FIRE
example.FIRESTONE
example.FIRMDALE
example.FISH
example.FISHING
example.FIT
example.FITNESS
example.FJ
example.FK
example.FLICKR
example.FLIGHTS
example.FLIR
example.FLORIST
example.FLOWERS
example.FLY
example.FM
example.FO
example.FOO
example.FOODNETWORK
example.FOOTBALL
example.FORD
example.FOREX
example.FORSALE
example.FORUM
example.FOUNDATION
example.FOX
example.FR
example.FRESENIUS
example.FRL
example.FROGANS
example.FRONTDOOR
example.FRONTIER
example.FTR
example.FUJITSU
example.FUJIXEROX
example.FUND
example.FURNITURE
example.FUTBOL
example.FYI
example.GA
example.GAL
example.GALLERY
example.GALLO
example.GALLUP
example.GAME
example.GAMES
example.GAP
example.GARDEN
example.GB
example.GBIZ
example.GD
example.GDN
example.GE
example.GEA
example.GENT
example.GENTING
example.GEORGE
example.GF
example.GG
example.GGEE
example.GH
example.GI
example.GIFT
example.GIFTS
example.GIVES
example.GIVING
example.GL
example.GLADE
example.GLASS
example.GLE
example.GLOBAL
example.GLOBO
example.GM
example.GMAIL
example.GMBH
example.GMO
example.GMX
example.GN
example.GODADDY
example.GOLD
example.GOLDPOINT
example.GOLF
example.GOO
example.GOODHANDS
example.GOODYEAR
example.GOOG
example.GOOGLE
example.GOP
example.GOT
example.GOV
example.GP
example.GQ
example.GR
example.GRAINGER
example.GRAPHICS
example.GRATIS
example.GREEN
example.GRIPE
example.GROUP
example.GS
example.GT
example.GU
example.GUARDIAN
example.GUCCI
example.GUGE
example.GUIDE
example.GUITARS
example.GURU
example.GW
example.GY
example.HAMBURG
example.HANGOUT
example.HAUS
example.HBO
example.HDFC
example.HDFCBANK
example.HEALTH
example.HEALTHCARE
example.HELP
example.HELSINKI
example.HERE
example.HERMES
example.HGTV
example.HIPHOP
example.HISAMITSU
example.HITACHI
example.HIV
example.HK
example.HKT
example.HM
example.HN
example.HOCKEY
example.HOLDINGS
example.HOLIDAY
example.HOMEDEPOT
example.HOMEGOODS
example.HOMES
example.HOMESENSE
example.HONDA
example.HONEYWELL
example.HORSE
example.HOST
example.HOSTING
example.HOT
example.HOTELES
example.HOTMAIL
example.HOUSE
example.HOW
example.HR
example.HSBC
example.HT
example.HTC
example.HU
example.HUGHES
example.HYATT
example.HYUNDAI
example.IBM
example.ICBC
example.ICE
example.ICU
example.ID
example.IE
example.IEEE
example.IFM
example.IINET
example.IKANO
example.IL
example.IM
example.IMAMAT
example.IMDB
example.IMMO
example.IMMOBILIEN
example.IN
example.INDUSTRIES
example.INFINITI
example.INFO
example.ING
example.INK
example.INSTITUTE
example.INSURANCE
example.INSURE
example.INT
example.INTEL
example.INTERNATIONAL
example.INTUIT
example.INVESTMENTS
example.IO
example.IPIRANGA
example.IQ
example.IR
example.IRISH
example.IS
example.ISELECT
example.ISMAILI
example.IST
example.ISTANBUL
example.IT
example.ITAU
example.ITV
example.IWC
example.JAGUAR
example.JAVA
example.JCB
example.JCP
example.JE
example.JEEP
example.JETZT
example.JEWELRY
example.JLC
example.JLL
example.JM
example.JMP
example.JNJ
example.JO
example.JOBS
example.JOBURG
example.JOT
example.JOY
example.JP
example.JPMORGAN
example.JPRS
example.JUEGOS
example.JUNIPER
example.KAUFEN
example.KDDI
example.KE
example.KERRYHOTELS
example.KERRYLOGISTICS
example.KERRYPROPERTIES
example.KFH
example.KG
example.KH
example.KI
example.KIA
example.KIM
example.KINDER
example.KINDLE
example.KITCHEN
example.KIWI
example.KM
example.KN
example.KOELN
example.KOMATSU
example.KOSHER
example.KP
example.KPMG
example.KPN
example.KR
example.KRD
example.KRED
example.KUOKGROUP
example.KW
example.KY
example.KYOTO
example.KZ
example.LA
example.LACAIXA
example.LADBROKES
example.LAMBORGHINI
example.LAMER
example.LANCASTER
example.LANCIA
example.LANCOME
example.LAND
example.LANDROVER
example.LANXESS
example.LASALLE
example.LAT
example.LATINO
example.LATROBE
example.LAW
example.LAWYER
example.LB
example.LC
example.LDS
example.LEASE
example.LECLERC
example.LEFRAK
example.LEGAL
example.LEGO
example.LEXUS
example.LGBT
example.LI
example.LIAISON
example.LIDL
example.LIFE
example.LIFEINSURANCE
example.LIFESTYLE
example.LIGHTING
example.LIKE
example.LILLY
example.LIMITED
example.LIMO
example.LINCOLN
example.LINDE
example.LINK
example.LIPSY
example.LIVE
example.LIVING
example.LIXIL
example.LK
example.LOAN
example.LOANS
example.LOCKER
example.LOCUS
example.LOFT
example.LOL
example.LONDON
example.LOTTE
example.LOTTO
example.LOVE
example.LPL
example.LPLFINANCIAL
example.LR
example.LS
example.LT
example.LTD
example.LTDA
example.LU
example.LUNDBECK
example.LUPIN
example.LUXE
example.LUXURY
example.LV
example.LY
example.MA
example.MACYS
example.MADRID
example.MAIF
example.MAISON
example.MAKEUP
example.MAN
example.MANAGEMENT
example.MANGO
example.MARKET
example.MARKETING
example.MARKETS
example.MARRIOTT
example.MARSHALLS
example.MASERATI
example.MATTEL
example.MBA
example.MC
example.MCD
example.MCDONALDS
example.MCKINSEY
example.MD
example.ME
example.MED
example.MEDIA
example.MEET
example.MELBOURNE
example.MEME
example.MEMORIAL
example.MEN
example.MENU
example.MEO
example.METLIFE
example.MG
example.MH
example.MIAMI
example.MICROSOFT
example.MIL
example.MINI
example.MINT
example.MIT
example.MITSUBISHI
example.MK
example.ML
example.MLB
example.MLS
example.MM
example.MMA
example.MN
example.MO
example.MOBI
example.MOBILY
example.MODA
example.MOE
example.MOI
example.MOM
example.MONASH
example.MONEY
example.MONSTER
example.MONTBLANC
example.MOPAR
example.MORMON
example.MORTGAGE
example.MOSCOW
example.MOTORCYCLES
example.MOV
example.MOVIE
example.MOVISTAR
example.MP
example.MQ
example.MR
example.MS
example.MSD
example.MT
example.MTN
example.MTPC
example.MTR
example.MU
example.MUSEUM
example.MUTUAL
example.MUTUELLE
example.MV
example.MW
example.MX
example.MY
example.MZ
example.NA
example.NAB
example.NADEX
example.NAGOYA
example.NAME
example.NATIONWIDE
example.NATURA
example.NAVY
example.NBA
example.NC
example.NE
example.NEC
example.NET
example.NETBANK
example.NETFLIX
example.NETWORK
example.NEUSTAR
example.NEW
example.NEWS
example.NEXT
example.NEXTDIRECT
example.NEXUS
example.NF
example.NFL
example.NG
example.NGO
example.NHK
example.NI
example.NICO
example.NIKE
example.NIKON
example.NINJA
example.NISSAN
example.NISSAY
example.NL
example.NO
example.NOKIA
example.NORTHWESTERNMUTUAL
example.NORTON
example.NOW
example.NOWRUZ
example.NOWTV
example.NP
example.NR
example.NRA
example.NRW
example.NTT
example.NU
example.NYC
example.NZ
example.OBI
example.OFF
example.OFFICE
example.OKINAWA
example.OLAYAN
example.OLAYANGROUP
example.OLDNAVY
example.OLLO
example.OM
example.OMEGA
example.ONE
example.ONG
example.ONL
example.ONLINE
example.ONYOURSIDE
example.OOO
example.OPEN
example.ORACLE
example.ORANGE
example.ORG
example.ORGANIC
example.ORIENTEXPRESS
example.ORIGINS
example.OSAKA
example.OTSUKA
example.OTT
example.OVH
example.PA
example.PAGE
example.PAMPEREDCHEF
example.PANASONIC
example.PANERAI
example.PARIS
example.PARS
example.PARTNERS
example.PARTS
example.PARTY
example.PASSAGENS
example.PAY
example.PCCW
example.PE
example.PET
example.PF
example.PFIZER
example.PG
example.PH
example.PHARMACY
example.PHILIPS
example.PHOTO
example.PHOTOGRAPHY
example.PHOTOS
example.PHYSIO
example.PIAGET
example.PICS
example.PICTET
example.PICTURES
example.PID
example.PIN
example.PING
example.PINK
example.PIONEER
example.PIZZA
example.PK
example.PL
example.PLACE
example.PLAY
example.PLAYSTATION
example.PLUMBING
example.PLUS
example.PM
example.PN
example.PNC
example.POHL
example.POKER
example.POLITIE
example.PORN
example.POST
example.PR
example.PRAMERICA
example.PRAXI
example.PRESS
example.PRIME
example.PRO
example.PROD
example.PRODUCTIONS
example.PROF
example.PROGRESSIVE
example.PROMO
example.PROPERTIES
example.PROPERTY
example.PROTECTION
example.PRU
example.PRUDENTIAL
example.PS
example.PT
example.PUB
example.PW
example.PWC
example.PY
example.QA
example.QPON
example.QUEBEC
example.QUEST
example.QVC
example.RACING
example.RAID
example.RE
example.READ
example.REALESTATE
example.REALTOR
example.REALTY
example.RECIPES
example.RED
example.REDSTONE
example.REDUMBRELLA
example.REHAB
example.REISE
example.REISEN
example.REIT
example.REN
example.RENT
example.RENTALS
example.REPAIR
example.REPORT
example.REPUBLICAN
example.REST
example.RESTAURANT
example.REVIEW
example.REVIEWS
example.REXROTH
example.RICH
example.RICHARDLI
example.RICOH
example.RIGHTATHOME
example.RIO
example.RIP
example.RO
example.ROCHER
example.ROCKS
example.RODEO
example.ROGERS
example.ROOM
example.RS
example.RSVP
example.RU
example.RUHR
example.RUN
example.RW
example.RWE
example.RYUKYU
example.SA
example.SAARLAND
example.SAFE
example.SAFETY
example.SAKURA
example.SALE
example.SALON
example.SAMSCLUB
example.SAMSUNG
example.SANDVIK
example.SANDVIKCOROMANT
example.SANOFI
example.SAP
example.SAPO
example.SARL
example.SAS
example.SAVE
example.SAXO
example.SB
example.SBI
example.SBS
example.SC
example.SCA
example.SCB
example.SCHAEFFLER
example.SCHMIDT
example.SCHOLARSHIPS
example.SCHOOL
example.SCHULE
example.SCHWARZ
example.SCIENCE
example.SCJOHNSON
example.SCOR
example.SCOT
example.SD
example.SE
example.SEAT
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example.ZA
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example.ZERO
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example.ZIPPO
example.ZM
example.ZONE
example.ZUERICH
example.ZW

All of the MPAA/CARA-rated films of 2006 (out of the 5,008 films released worldwide that year.)

Bambi II (Director: Brian Pimental)
Cars (Directors: John Lasseter + Joe Ranft)
Charlotte’s Web (Director: Gary Winick)
Comic Evangelist (Directors: Daniel Jones + Dann Sytsma)
Curious George (Director: Matthew O’Callaghan)
Doogal (Directors: Dave Borthwick, Jean Duval + Frank Passingham)
Elephant Tales (Director: Mario Andreacchio)
Epiphany: The Cycle Of Life (Director: Ali Hossaini)
Everyone’s Heros (Directors: Colin Brady, Christopher Reeve + Dan St. Pierre)
Franklin and the Turtle Lake Treasure (Director: Dominique Monfery)
Modern Man (Director: Justin Swibel)
Shark Bait (Director: Howard E. Baker, John Fox + Kyung Ho Lee)
Stanley’s Dinosaur Round-Up (Director: Jeff Buckland)
Strawberry Shortcake: The Sweet Dreams Movie (Director: Karen Hyden)
The Gig (Director: Jason Leo Baguio)
The Legend Of Sasquatch (Director: Thomas Calicoat)
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (Director: Michael Lembeck)
The Wild (Director: Steve “Spaz” Williams)
Urmel aus dem Eis (Directors: Reinhard Klooss + Holger Tappe)

A Broken Sole (Director: Antony Marsellis)
A Merry Little Christmas (Directors: John Dowling, Jr. + Karl Fink)
A Sacred Proof (Director: Yehuda Freeman)
Aimee Semple McPherson (Director: Richard Rossi)
Akeelah + The Bee (Director: Doug Atchinson)
Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker (Director: Geoffrey Sax)
Always Will (Director: Michael Sammaciccia)
Amazing Grace (Director: Michael Apted)
Aquamarine (Director: Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum)
Arthur + The Invisibles (Director: Luc Besson)
As You Like It (Director: Kenneth Branagh)
Azur + Asmar: The Princes’ Quest (Director: Michel Ocelot)
Barnyard (Director: Steve Oedekerk)
Beautiful Dreamer (Director: Terri Farley-Teruel)
Believe In Me (Director: Robert Collector)
Bonneville (Director: Christopher N. Rowley)
Brothers Two (Director: Jennifer Tadlock)
Casi casi (Directors: Jaime Vallés + Tony Vallés)
Christmas At Maxwell’s (Director: William C. Laufer)
Church Ball (Director: Kurt Hale)
Collier + Co. (Director: John Schneider)
Conversations With God (Director: Stephen Deutsch)
Crusade In Jeans (Director: Ben Sombogaart)
Deck The Halls (Director: John Whitesell)
Dog Lover’s Symphony (Director: Ted Fukuda)
Eight Below (Director: Frank Marshall)
Eragon (Director: Stefen Fangmeier)
Everest E.R. (Directors: Brad McLain + Sean McLain)
Faith Like Potatoes (Director: Regardt van den Bergh)
Feliz Navidad (Director: Michael Baez)
Fire Creek (Director: Jed Wells)
Flicka (Director: Michael Mayer)
Flushed Away (Directors: David Bowers + Sam Fell)
Garfield II: A Tale Of Two Kitties (Director: Tim Hill)
Glory Road (Director: James Gartner)
Goose On The Loose (Goose!) Director: Nicholas Kendall)
Guadalupe (Director: Santiago Parra)
Happily N’Ever After (Directors: Paul Bolger, Yvette Kaplan + Greg Tiernan)
Happy Feet (Directors: George Miller, Warren Coleman + Judy Morris)
Hoot (Director: Wil Shriner)
How To Eat Fried Worms (Director: Bob Dolman)
How To Stoppie (Director: Drew Umland)
I’ll Believe You (Director: Paul Francis Sullivan)
Ice Age: The Meltdown (Director: Carlos Saldanha)
Invincible (Director: Ericson Core)
Love’s Abiding Joy (Director: Michael Landon, Jr.)
M For Mother (Director: Rasool Mollagholi Poor)
Material Girls (Director: Martha Coolidge)
Milarepa (Director: Neten Chokling)
Miss Potter (Director: Chris Noonan)
Monster House (Director: Gil Kenan)
My Bad Dad (Director: Mack Polhemus)
Nacho Libre (Director: Jared Hess)
Naming Number Two (Director: Toa Fraser)
Night At The Museum (Director: Shawn Levy)
Offside (Director: Jafar Panahi)
One Night With The King (Director: Michael O. Sajbel)
Opal Dream (Director: Peter Cattaneo)
Open Season (Directors: Roger Allers, Jill Culton + Anthony Stacchi)
Outlaw Trail: The Treasure of Butch Cassidy (Director: Ryan Little)
Over The Hedge (Directors: Tim Johnson + Karey Kirkpatrick)
Penelope (Director: Mark Palansky)
RV (Director: Barry Sonnenfeld)
Red Riding Hood (Director: Randal Kleiser)
Return with Honor: A Missionary Homecoming (Director: Michael Amundsen)
Reunion (Director: Sheila Norman)
Robotech: The Shadow Chronicles (Directors: Dong-Wook Lee + Tommy Yune)
Rocky Balboa (Director: Sylvester Stallone)
Saving Shiloh (Director: Sandy Tung)
Sea Of Dreams (Director: José Pepe Bojórquez)
Secret Of The Cave (Director: Zach C. Gray)
Spymate (Director: Robert Vince)
Stalking Santa (Director: Greg Kiefer)
The Ant Bully (Director: John A. Davis)
The Blue Elephant (Directors: Kompin Kemgumnird + Tod Polson)
The Celestine Prophecy (Director: Armand Mastroianni)
The Genius Club (Director: Timothy A. Chey)
The Lake House (Director: Alejandro Agresti)
The Nativity Story (Director: Catherine Hardwick)
The Pink Panther (Director: Shawn Levy)
The Race Begins (Director: Edward Fu)
The Shaggy Dog (Director: Brian Robbins)
The Thief Lord (Director: Richard Claus)
The Ultimate Gift (Director: Michael O. Sajbel)
The Water’s Edge (Director: Robin Conly)
The Work and the Glory III: A House Divided (Director: Sterling Van Wagenen)
The Year My Parents Went on Vacation (Director: Cao Hamburger)
Think Tank (Director: Brian Petersen)
Unaccompanied Minors (Director: Paul Feig)
Unidentified (Director: Rich Christiano)
Vitus (Director: Fredi M. Murer)
We Are Marshall (Director: McG)
When I Find The Ocean (Director: Tonya S. Holly)
Zoom (Director: Peter Hewitt)

PG-13

16 Blocks (Director: Richard Donner)
A Good Year (Director: Ridley Scott)
A Lobster Tale (Director: Adam Massey)
A Prairie Home Companion (Director: Robert Altman)
ATL (Director: Chris Robinson)
Accepted (Director: Steve Pink)
Al Qarem (Directors: Affandy Yacoob + Ajmal Yourish)
Alien Autopsy (Director: Jonny Campbell)
All You’ve Got (Director: Neema Barnette)
All The King’s Men (Director: Steven Zaillian)
American Dreamz (Director: Paul Weitz)
Annapolis (Director: Justin Lin)
Antonia (Director: Tata Amaral)
Assphalt Assassins (Director: Brian Bourke)
Avenue Montaigne (Director: Danièle Thompson)
Away From Her (Director: Sarah Polley)
Bacterium (Director: Brett Piper)
Bandidas (Directors: Joachim Rønning + Espen Sandberg)
Bella (Director: Alejandro Monteverde)
Bienvenido paisano (Director: Rafael Villaseñor Kuri)
Big Momma’s House II (Director: John Whitesell)
Blind Dating (Director: James Keach)
Blind Love (Director: Janghun Troy Choi)
Bolly Double (Director: Petrichor Bharali)
Broken Bridges (Director: Steven Goldmann)
Broken Sky (Director: Julián Hernández)
Canvas (Director: Joseph Greco)
Casino Royale (Director: Martin Campbell)
Catch A Fire (Director: Phillip Noyce)
Catch + Release (Director: Susannah Grant)
Chalk (Director: Mike Akel)
Chocolate Rap (Director: Chi Y. Lee)
Citizen Duane (Director: Michael Mabbott)
Click (Director: Frank Coraci)
Color Of The Cross (Director: Jean-Claude La Marre)
Comeback Season (Director: Bruce McCulloch)
Copying Beethoven (Director: Agnieszka Holland)
Crossover (Director: Preston A. Whitmore II)
DOA: Dead Or Alive (Director: Corey Yuen)
Date Movie (Directors: Aaron Seltzer + Jason Friedberg)
Déjà vu (Director: Tony Scott)
Dirty Laundry (Director: Maurice Jamal)
Disappearances (Director: Jay Craven)
Domestic Import (Director: Kevin Connor)
Dreamgirls (Director: Bill Condon)
Driving Lessons (Director: Jeremy Brock)
Ella At Five (Director: David Quinn)
Employee Of The Month (Director: Greg Coolidge)
Evil Behind You (Directors: Jim Carroll + Jason Kerr)
Eye Of The Dolphin (Director: Michael D. Sellers)
Facing The Giants (Director: Alex Kendrick)
Failure To Launch (Director: Tom Dey)
Falling For Grace (Director: Fay Ann Lee)
Fearless (Director: Ronny Yu)
Firewall (Director: Richard Loncraine)
Flyboys (Director: Tony Bill)
For Your Consideration (Director: Christopher Guest)
Forget About It (Director: B.J. Davis)
Golden Door (Director: Emanuele Crialese)
Gray Matters (Director: Sue Kramer)
Gridiron Gang (Director: Phil Joanou)
Griffin + Phoenix (Director: Ed Stone)
Heavens Fall (Director: Terry Green)
Hookers, Inc. (Director: Tim Pingel)
I’m Not Stupid Too (Director: Jack Neo)
I’m Reed Fish (Director: Zackary Adler)
Irish Jam (Director: John Eyres)
It’s A Boy Girl Thing (Director: Nick Hurran)
Jade Warrior (Director: Antti-Jussi Annila)
John Tucker Must Die (Director: Betty Thomas)
Judges (Director: Stephen Patrick Walker)
Just Like The Son (Director: Morgan J. Freeman)
Just My Luck (Director: Donald Petrie)
Kalamazoo? (Director: David O’Malley)
Keeping Up With The Steins (Director: Scott Marshall)
Kenny (Director: Clayton Jacobson)
Kokoda: 39th Battalion (Director: Alister Grierson)
Lady In The Water (Director: M. Night Shyamalan)
Lage Raho Munna Bhai (Director: Rajkumar Hirani)
Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector (Director: Trent Cooper)
Last Holiday (Director: Wayne Wang)
Last Stop For Paul (Director: Neil Mandt)
Little Man (Director: Keenen Ivory Wayans)
Love + Debate (Director: Jessica Kavana Dornbusch)
Love + Honour (Director: Yôji Yamada)
Madea’s Family Reunion (Director: Tyler Perry)
Man Of The Year (Director: Barry Levinson)
Marie Antoinette (Director: Sofia Coppola)
Midnight Clear (Director: Dallas Jenkins)
Miriam (Director: Matt Cimber)
Mission: Impossible III (Director: J.J. Abrams)
Moonpie (Director: Drake Doremus)
My Best Friend (Director: Patrice Leconte)
My Brother (Director: Anthony Lover)
My First Wedding (Director: Laurent Firode)
My Super Ex-Girlfriend (Director: Ivan Reitman)
Nihon chinbotsu (Director: Shinji Higuchi)
Nina’s Heavenly Delights (Director: Pratibha Parmar)
Offshore (Director: Diane Cheklich)
One Last Dance (Director: Max Makowski)
Outsourced (Director: John Jeffcoat)
Passion + Brotherhood (Director: Drew Stone)
Peaceful Warrior (Director: Victor Salva)
Phat Girlz (Director: Nnegest Likké)
Pirates Of Treasure Island (Director: Leigh Scott)
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (Director: Gore Verbinski)
Pirates Of The Great Salt Lake (Director: E.R. Nelson)
Poseidon (Director: Wolfgang Petersen)
Priceless (Director: Pierre Salvadori)
Pulse (Director: Jim Sonzero)
Raising Flagg (Director: Neal Miller)
Relative Strangers (Director: Greg Glienna)
Rescue Dawn (Director: Werner Herzog)
Rounding Home (Director: Phillip Abatecola)
Scary Movie IV (Director: David Zucker)
School For Scoundrels (Director: Todd Phillips)
Scoop (Director: Woody Allen)
Sea Of Fear (Director: Andrew Schuth)
Seth (Director: Corbin Timbrook)
Seven Days Of Grace (Director: Don E. FauntLeRoy)
She’s The Man (Director: Andy Fickman)
Sixty Six (Director: Paul Weiland)
Something New (Director: Sanaa Hamri)
Starter For 10 (Director: Tom Vaughan)
Stay Alive (Director: William Brent Bell)
Step Up (Director: Anne Fletcher)
Stick It (Director: Jessica Bendiger)
Stranger Than Fiction (Director: Marc Forster)
Street Wok’n (Director: Eric Matyas)
Summer Sunshine (Director: David Kentwood)
Superman Returns (Director: Bryan Singer)
Take The Lead (Director: Liz Friedlander)
Tales From Earthsea (Director: Gorô Miyazaki)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby (Director: Adam McKay)
The Benchwarmers (Director: Dennis Dugan)
The Break-Up (Director: Peyton Reed)
The Covenant (Director: Renny Harlin)
The Da Vinci Code (Director: Ron Howard)
The Devil Wears Prada (Director: David Frankel)
The Ex (Director: Jesse Peretz)
The Fast + The Furious: Tokyo Drift (Director: Justin Lin)
The Final Inquiry (Director: Giulio Base)
The Flying Scotsman (Director: Douglas Mackinnon)
The Fountain (Director: Darren Aronofsky)
The Foursome (Director: William Dear)
The Garage (Director: Carl Thibault)
The Grudge II (Director: Takashi Shimizu)
The Guardian (Director: Andrew Davis)
The Holiday (Director: Nancy Meyers)
The Illusionist (Director: Neil Burger)
The Lather Effect (Director: Sarah Kelly)
The Little Things (Director: Stephen Padilla)
The Lives Of The Saints (Directors: Chris Cottam + Rankin)
The Marine (Director: John Bonito)
The Namesake (Director: Mira Nair)
The Novice (Director: Murray Robinson)
The Painted Veil (Director: John Curran)
The Prestige (Director: Christopher Nolan)
The Pursuit Of Happyness (Director: Gabriele Muccino)
The Queen (Director: Stephen Frears)
The Return (Director: Asif Kapadia)
The Sasquatch Gang (Director: Tim Skousen)
The Second Chance (Director: Steve Taylor)
The Sentinel (Director: Clark Johnson)
The Surfer King (Director: Bernard Murray, Jr.)
The Valet (Director: Francis Veber)
The Visitation (Director: Robby Henson)
The Wicker Man (Director: Neil LaBute)
Thr3e (Director: Robby Henson)
Tomorrow Is Today (Director: Frederic Lumiere)
Tristan + Isolde (Director: Kevin Reynolds)
Ultraviolet (Director: Kurt Wimmer)
Unbeatable Harold (Director: Ari Palitz)
Under The Sycamore Tree (Director: Shane Dean)
Vigilantes (Director: Trevor L. Smith)
Waltzing Anna (Directors: Doug Bollinger + Bx Giongrete)
When The Stranger Calls (Director: Simon West)
X-Men: The Last Stand (Director: Brett Ratner)
You, Me + Dupree (Directors: Anthony Russo + Joe Russo)
Zen Man (Director: Sang H. Kim)

.45 (Director: Garry Lennon)
10 Items Or Less (Director: Brad Silberling)
10th + Wolf (Director: Robert Moresco)
13: Game Of Death (Director: Chookiat Sakveerakul)
300 (Director: Zack Snyder)
5up 2down (Directors: Steven Kessler)
A Crime (Director: Manuel Pradal)
A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints (Director: Dito Montiel)
A New Wave (Director: Jason Carvey)
A Scanner Darkly (Director: Richard Linklater)
Abominable (Director: Ryan Schifrin)
After The Wedding (Director: Susanne Bier)
After... (Director: David L. Cunningham)
All In (Director: Nick Vallelonga)
All The Boys Love Mandy Lane (Director: Jonathan Levine)
Alpha Dog (Director: Nick Cassavetes)
Alpha Male (Director: Dan Wilde)
Altered (Director: Eduardo Sánchez)
An Existential Affair (Director: Peggy Bruen)
Another Heist (Director: Sean Spoatcoat Brown)
Apocalypto (Director: Mel Gibson)
Art School Confidential (Director: Terry Zwigoff)
Ask The Dust (Director: Robert Towne)
Babel (Director: Alejandro González Iñárritu)
Backlash (Director: David Chameides)
Backwaters (Director: Jag Mundhra)
Bas Ek Pal (Director: Onir)
Basic Instinct II (Director: Michael Caton-Jones)
Battle Of The Warriors (Director: Chi Leung 'Jacob' Cheung)
Beer League (Director: Frank Sebastiano)
Beerfest (Director: Jay Chandrasekhar)
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon (Director: Scott Glosserman)
Beyond The Wall Of Sleep (Directors: Barrett J. Leigh + Thom Maurer)
Big Bad Wolf (Director: Lance W. Dreesen)
Big Nothing (Director: Jean-Baptiste Andrea)
Black Book (Director: Paul Verhoeven)
Black Christmas (Director: Glen Morgan)
Black Snake Moan (Director: Craig Brewer)
Blood Diamond (Director: Edward Zwick)
Blood Trails (Director: Robert Krause)
Bobby (Director: Emilio Estevez)
Bon Cop Bad Cop (Director: Erik Canuel)
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (Director: Larry Charles)
Bordertown (Director: Gregory Nava)
Breaking + Entering (Director: Anthony Minghella)
Broken (Director: Alan White)
Broken (Directors: Simon Boyes + Adam Mason)
Brutal (Director: Filip Chalatsis)
Bug (Director: William Friedkin)
Bullets, Blood + A Fistful Of Ca$h (Director: Sam Akina)
Caffeine (Director: John Cosgrove)
Candy (Director: Neil Armfield)
Candy Stripers (Director: Kate Robbins)
Canes (Director: Michael Bafaro)
Cargo (Director: Clive Gordon)
Cashback (Director: Sean Ellis)
Cattle Call (Director: Martin Guigui)
Children Of Men (Director: Alfonso Cuarón)
Chores (Director: Sonnie Hamner)
Chronicle Of An Escape (Director: Israel Adrián Caetano)
Civic Duty (Director: Jeff Renfroe)
Clerks II (Director: Kevin Smith)
Cloud 9 (Director: Harry Basil)
Colma: The Musical (Director: Richard Wong)
Come Early Morning (Director: Joey Lauren Adams)
Confetti (Director: Debbie Isitt)
Costa Chica: Confession OF An Exorcist)
Crank (Directors: Mark Neveldine + Brian Taylor)
Cravings (Director: D.J. Evans)
Crazy Eights (Director: Jimi Jones)
Crooked (Director: Art Camacho)
Curse Of The Golden Flower (Director: Yimou Zhang)
Cut Sleeve Boys (Director: Ray Teung)
Dangerous Flowers (Director: Poj Arnon)
Danika (Director: Ariel Vromen)
Danny Roane: First Time Director (Director: Andy Dick)
Dark Heart (Director: Kevin Lewis)
Dark Ride (Director: Craig Singer)
Day Watch (Director: Timur Bekmambetov)
Day Of Wrath (Games Of Swords) (Director: Adrien Rudomin)
Days Of Glory (Director: Rachid Bouchareb)
Dead Calling (Director: Mike Nichols)
Dead In 3 Days (Director: Andreas Prochaska)
Deadly Lessons (Director: Stuart Paul)
Death Ride (Director: Junichi Suzuki)
Death Of A President (Director: Gabriel Range)
Descansos (Director: J. Michael Kipikash)
Detroit (Director: Brian Lawrence)
Diary (Director: Oxide Chun Pang)
Diggers (Director: Katherine Dieckmann)
Dirty Work (Director: Bruce Terris)
Disorder (Director: Jack Thomas Smith)
Displaced (Director: Martin Holland)
Dominion (Director: Larry Anderson, Greg Myers, David Neilsen + Lia Scott Price)
Dominos: The Games We Play (Director: Nahala Johnson)
Dracula’s Curse (Director: Leight Scott)
Dreamland (Director: Jason Matzner)
Driftwood (Director: Tim Sullivan)
Efectos secundarios (Director: Issa López)
El Cortez (Director: Stephen Purvis)
El cantante (Director: Leon Ichaso)
Electric Apricot (Director: Les Claypool)
End Game (Director: Andy Cheng)
Even Money (Director: Mark Rydell)
Everything’s Gone Green (Director: Paul Fox)
Exiled (Director: Johnnie To)
Factory Girl (Director: George Hickenlooper)
Fade To Black (Director: Oliver Parker)
False Prophets (Director: Robert Kevin Townsend)
Farce Of The Penguins (Director: Bob Saget)
Fast Food Nation (Director: Richard Linklater)
Fat Girls (Director: Ash Christian)
Fatwa (Director: John Carter)
Fay Grim (Director: Hal Hartley)
Fido (Director: Andrew Currie)
Final Contract: Death On Delivery (Director: Axel Sand)
Final Destination III (Director: James Wong)
Final move (Director: Joey Travolta)
Find Me Guilty (Director: Sidney Lumet)
Fingerprints (Director: Harry Basil)
First Snow (Director: Mark Fergus)
Five Fingers (Director: Laurence Malkin)
Flags Of Our Fathers (Director: Clint Eastwood)
Flannel Pajamas (Director: Jeff Lipsky)
For Sale By Owner (Director: Pritesh Chheda)
Forgiving The Franklins (Director: Jay Floyd)
Freedomland (Director: Joe Roth)
Friends With Money (Director: Nicole Holofcener)
Fuera del cielo (Director: Javier “Fox” Patrón)
Full Clip (Director: Mink)
Funny Money (Director: Leslie Greif)
Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus (Director: Steven Shainberg)
G.I. Jesus (Director: Carl Colpaert)
Gente Comun (Director: Ignacio Rinza)
Gone (Director: Ringan Ledwidge)
Goya’s Ghosts (Director: Milos Forman)
Grad Night (Director: Michael T. Fitzgerald, Jr.)
Grandma’s Boy (Director: Nicholaus Goossen)
Greed (Director Ron Wolotzky)
Grilled (Director: Jason Ensler)
Grimm Love (Director: Martin Weisz)
Gringo Wedding (Director: Tas Salini)
Guilty Hearts (Directors: George Augusto, Savina Dellicour, Phil Dornfeld, Ravi Kumar, Benjamin Ross, Paul Black + Krystoff Przykucki)
Half Light (Director: Craig Rosenberg)
Half Nelson (Director: Ryan Fleck)
Hatchet (Director: Adam Green)
High Hopes (Director: Joe Eckardt)
Holla (Director: H.M. Coakley)
Holly (Director: Guy Moshe)
Hollywood Dreams (Director: Henry Jaglom)
Hollywoodland (Director: Allen Coulter)
Home Of The Brave (Director: Irwin Winkler)
Homie Spumoni (Director: Mike Cerrone)
Honor (Director: David Worth)
Hood Of Horror (Director: Stacy Tile)
Hot Tamale (Director: Michael Damian)
How To Go Out On A Date In Queens (Director: Michelle Danner)
I Love Miami (Director: Alejandro González Padilla)
I Served The King Of England (Director: Jiri Menzel)
I Want Someone To Eat Cheese With (Director: Jeff Garlin)
Idiocracy (Director: Mike Judge)
Idlewild (Director: Bryan Barber)
In Her Line Of Fire (Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith)
In A Dark Place (Director: Donato Rotunno)
In ascolto (Director: Giacomo Martelli)
Incubus (Director: Anya Camilleri)
Infamous (Director: Douglas McGrath)
Inland Empire (Director: David Lynch)
Inside Man (Director: Spike Lee)
Ira + Abby (Director: Robert Cary)
Irresistible (Director: Ann Turner)
Islander (Director: Ian McCrudden)
Jimmy + Judy (Director: Randall Rubin + Jonathan Schroder)
Jindabyne (Director: Ray Lawrence)
Johnny Was (Director: Mark Hammond)
Joshua (Director: Travis Betz)
Journey From The Fall (Director: Ham Tran)
Journey To The End Of The Night (Director: Eric Eason)
KM31: Kilometre 31 (Director: Rigoberto Castañeda)
Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (Director: Karan Johar)
Karla (Director: Joel Bender)
Kettle Of Fish (Director: Claudia Myers)
Kidulthood (Director: Menhaj Huda)
Kill Your Darlings (Director: Björne Larson)
Killing Down (Director: Blake Calhoun)
Kiss Me Again (Director: William Tyler Smith)
Kisses + Caroms (Director: Vincent Rocca)
Lady Chatterley (Director: Pascale Ferran)
Land Of The Blind (Director: Robert Edwards)
Last Sunset (Director: Michael Valverde)
Legit (Director: James W. Boinski)
Lenexa, 1 Mile (Director: Jason Wiles)
Let’s Go To Prison (Director: Bob Odenkirk)
Letters From Iwo Jima (Director: Clint Eastwood)
Lies + Alibis (Directors: Matt Checkowski + Kurt Mattila)
Like Minds (Director: Gregory Read)
Lime Salted Love (Directors: Danielle Agnello + Joe Hall)
Little Chenier (Director: Bethany Ashton Wolf)
Little Children (Director: Todd Field)
Little Miss Sunshine (Director: Jonathan Dayton + Valerie Faris)
Live Feed (Director: Ryan Nicholson)
Live Free Or Die (Directors: Gregg Kavet + Andy Robin)
Local Color (Director: George Gallo)
London To Brighton (Director: Paul Andrew Williams)
Lonely Hearts (Director: Todd Robinson)
Look @ Me (Director: Todd Wade)
Los Gringos (Director: Daniel Zubiate)
Los pajarracos (Directors: Hector Hernandez + Horacio Rivera)
Lost Signal (Director: Brian McNamara)
Love Comes To The Executioner (Director: Kyle Bergersen)
Love Is The Drug (Director: Elliott Lester)
Love + Other Disasters (Director: Alek Keshishian)
Lucky Number Slevin (Director: Paul McGuigan)
Man About Town (Director: Mike Binder)
Maple Palm (Director: Ralph Torjan)
Memory (Director: Bennett Davlin)
Mentor (Director: David Langlitz)
Mercury Man (Director: Bhandit Thongdee)
Miami Vice (Director: Michael Mann)
Mini’s First Time (Director: Nick Guthe)
Minotaur (Director: Jonathan English)
Moscow Zero (Director: María Lidón)
Mr. Fix It (Director: Darin Ferriola)
Mr. Hell (Director: Rob McKinnon)
Mulberry St. (Director: Jim Mickle)
Nailed (Director: Adreian O’Connell)
Never On A Sunday (Director: Daniel Gruener)
Night Feeders (Director: Jet Eller)
Night Of The Living Dead in 3-D (Director: Jeff Broadstreet)
Nightmare Man (Director: Rolfe Kanefsky)
No Regret (Director: Hee-il Leesong)
Notes On A Scandal (Director: Richard Eyre)
Novel Romance (Director: Emily Skopov)
O Jerusalem (Director: Élie Chouraqui)
Off The Black (Director: James Ponsoldt)
Only The Brave (Director: Lane Nishikawa)
Open Water II: Adrift (Director: Hans Horn)
Open Window (Director: Mia Goldman)
Ouija (Director: Khaled Youssef)
Pan’s Labyrinth (Director: Guillermo del Toro)
Paprika (Director: Satoshi Kon)
Paris, je t'aime (Directors: Olivier Assayas, Frédéric Auburtin, Emmanuel Benbihy, Gurinder Chadha, Sylvain Chomet, Joel Coen, Isabel Coixet, Wes Craven, Alfonso Cuarón, Gérard Depardieu, Christopher Doyle, Richard LaGravenese, Vincenzo Natali, Alexander Payne, Bruno Podalydès, Walter Salles, Oliver Schmitz, Nobuhiro Suwa, Daniela Thomas, Tom Tykwer + Gus Van Sant)
Park (Director: Kurt Voelker)
Penny Dreadful (Director: Richard Brandes)
Perfect Creature (Director: Glenn Standring)
Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer (Director: Tom Tykwer)
Plasterhead (Director: Kevin Higgins)
Played (Director: Sean Stanek)
Pledge This! (Directors: William Heins + Strathford Hamilton)
Premium (Director: Pete Chatmon)
Pretty Cool (Director: Rolfe Kanefsky)
Psychopathia Sexualis (Director: Bret Wood)
Pu-239 (Director: Scott Z. Burns)
Pucked (National Lampoon’s) (Director: Arthur Hiller)
Puff, Puff, Pass (Director: Mekhi Phifer)
Push (Director: Dave Rodriguez)
Quinceañera (Directors: Richard Glatzer + Wash Westmoreland)
Rainbow Raani (Director: Harbance Kumar)
Raising Jeffrey Dahmer (Director: Rich Ambler)
Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders (Director: Chris Fisher)
Re-cycle (Director: Danny Pang + Oxide Chun Pang)
Read On (Director: Jeff Faulkinbury)
Renaissance (Director: Christian Volckman)
Reprise (Director: Joachim Trier)
Right At Your Door (Director: Chris Gorak)
Rocker (Director: Lauren Patrice Nadler)
Running Scared (Director: Wayne Kramer)
Running With Scissors (Director: Ryan Murphy)
S&Man (Director: J.T. Petty)
Sakebi (Director: Kiyoshi Kurosawa)
Sam’s Lake (Director: Andrew C. Erin)
Sasquatch Mountain (Director: Steven R. Monroe)
Satanic (Director: Dan Golden)
Saw III (Director: Darren Lynn Bousman)
Scenes Of A Sexual Nature (Director: Ed Blum)
Scorpius Gigantus (Director: Tommy Withrow)
Séance (Director: Mark L. Smith)
Section 8 (Director: Carl Gilliard)
See No Evil (Director: Gregory Dark)
Seraphim Falls (Director: David Von Ancken)
Serum (Director: Steve Franke)
Severance (Director: Christopher Smith)
Shadow: Dead Riot (Director: Derek Wan)
Sherrybaby (Director: Laurie Collyer)
Shock To The System (Director: Ron Oliver)
Silent Hill (Director: Christophe Gans)
Simon Says (Director: William Dear)
Sisters (Director: Douglas Buck)
Skinwalkers (Director: James Isaac)
Sleeping Dogs Lie (Director: Bob Goldthwait)
Slither (Director: James Gunn)
Smashes, Bashes + Crashes (Director: Drew Stone)
Smokin’ Aces (Director: Joe Carnahan)
Snakes On A Plane (Director: David R. Ellis)
Soul’s Midnight (Director: Harry Basil)
Southern Justice (Director: M.D. Selig)
Southland Tales (Director: Richard Kelly)
Special (Directors: Hal Haberman + Jeremy Passmore)
Splinter (Director: Michael D. Olmos)
State’s Evidence (Director: Benjamin Louis)
Steel City (Director: Brian Jun)
Stephanie Daley (Director: Hilary Brougher)
Stormforce (Director: Hans Herbots)
Striking Range (Director: Daniel Millican)
Subject Two (Director: Philip Chidel)
Suburban Mayhem (Director: Paul Goldman)
Summer Love (Director: Piotr Uklanski)
Surf School (Director: Joel Silverman)
Surveillance (Director: Fritz Kiersch)
Sweet Insanity (Director: Daniel Hess)
TV: The Movie (National Lampoon’s) (Director: Sam Maccarone)
Tekkonkinkreet (Director: Michael Arias)
Ten ‘til Noon (Director: Scott Storm)
Tenacious D in “The Pick Of Destiny” (Director: Liam Lynch)
That Beautiful Somewhere (Director: Robert Budreau)
The 9/11 Commission Report (Director: Leigh Scott)
The Abandoned (Director: Nacho Cerdà)
The Architect (Director: Matt Tauber)
The Astronaut Farmer (Director: Michael Polish)
The Beach Party At The Threshold Of Hell (Directors: Jonny Gillette + Kevin Wheatley)
The Black Dahlia (Director: Brian De Palma)
The Bondage (Director: Eric Allen Bell)
The Boys + Girls Guide To Getting Down (Director: Paul Sapiano)
The Breed (Director: Nicholas Mastandrea)
The Butcher (Director: Edward Gorsuch)
The Butterfly Effect II (Director: John R. Leonetti)
The Choke (Director: Juan Mas)
The Clique (Director: David Basulto)
The Contract (Director: Bruce Beresford)
The DaVinci Treasure (Director: Peter Mervis)
The Darwin (Director: Finn Taylor)
The Dead Girl (Director: Karen Moncrieff)
The Deepening (Directors: Ted Alderman + Jim O’Rear)
The Departed (Director: Martin Scorsese)
The Devil Wears Spurs (Director: Charlton Thorp)
The Dog Problem (Director: Scott Caan)
The Drop (Director: Kevin Lewis)
The Elder Son (Director: Marius Balchunas)
The Elephant King (Director: Seth Grossman)
The Entrance (Director: Damon Vignale)
The Fall (Director: Tarsem Singh)
The Far Side Of Jericho (Director: Tim Hunter)
The Foot Fist Way (Director: Jody Hill)
The Girl On The Stone (Director: Marisa Sistach)
The Good German (Director: Steven Soderbergh)
The Good Shepherd (Director: Robert De Niro)
The Good Student (Director: David Ostry)
The Gravedancers (Director: Mike Mendez)
The Groomsmen (Director: Edward Burns)
The Hamiltons (Directors: Mitchell Altieri + Phil Flores)
The Hard Easy (Director: Ari Ryan)
The Heart Specialist (Director: Dennis Cooper)
The Hills Have Eyes (Director: Alexandre Aja)
The History Boys (Director: Nicholas Hytner)
The Hoax (Director: Lasse Hallström)
The Host (Director: Bong Joon Ho)
The Hottest State (Director: Ethan Hawke)
The House (Director: David Krae)
The House Of Usher (Director: Hayley Cloake)
The Hunt (Director: Fritz Kiersch)
The Insurgents (Director: Scott Dacko)
The Kovak Box (Director: Daniel Monzón)
The Last Drop (Director: Colin Teague)
The Last King Of Scotland (Director: Kevin Macdonald)
The Last Kiss (Director: Tony Goldwyn)
The Last Request (Director: John DeBellis)
The Last Time (Director: Michael Caleo)
The Lives Of Others (Director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck)
The Marsh (Director: Jordan Barker)
The Night Listener (Director: Patrick Stettner)
The Night Of The White Pants (Director: Amy Talkington)
The Oh In Ohio (Director: Billy Kent)
The Omen (Director: John Moore)
The Other Side (Director: Gregg Bishop)
The Pumpkin Karver (Director: Robert Mann)
The Science Of Sleep (Director: Michel Gondry)
The Sensation Of Sight (Director: Aaron J. Wiederspaphn)
The Shadow Walkers (Director: Mark Steven Grove)
The Situation (Director: Philip Haas)
The Slaughter (Director: Jay Lee)
The Still Life (Director: Joel Miller)
The Strange Case Of Dr. Jekyll + Mr. Hyde (Director: John Carl Buechler)
The System Within (Director: Dale Resteghini)
The TV Set (Director: Jake Kasdan)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (Director: Jonathan Liebesman)
The Tiger’s Tail (Director: John Boorman)
The Tripper (Director: David Arquette)
The Unknown Woman (Director: Giuseppe Tornatore)
The Virgin Of Juarez (Director: Kevin James Dobson)
The Wedding Weekend (Director: Bruce Leddy)
The Witches Hammer (Director: James Eaves)
The Woods (Director: Lucky McKee)
The Zombie Diaries (Directors: Michael G. Bartlett + Kevin Gates)
Them (Ils) (Directors: David Moreau + Xavier Palud)
They’re Just My Friends (Director: Attika Torrence)
Thieves + Liars (Director: Ricardo Méndez Matta)
Things That Hang From Trees (Director: Ido Mizrahy)
Things You Don’t Tell... (Director: Alex Melli)
Tired Of Kissing Frogs (Director: Jorge Colón)
Trailer Park Boys: The Movie (Director: Mike Clattenburg)
Trapped Ashes (Directors: Sean S. Cunningham, Joe Dante, John Gaeta, Monte Hellman + Ken Russell)
Troubled Waters (Director: John Stead)
True True Lie (Director: Eric Styles)
Turistas (Director: John Stockwell)
Twisted Sisters (Director: Wolfgang Büld)
Two Tickets To Paradise (Director: D.B. Sweeney)
Two Weeks (Director: Steve Stockman)
Ugly Me (Director: Claudio Dabed)
Unconscious (Director: Bradley Wigor)
Under Surveillance (Director: Dave Campfield)
Underworld (Director: Len Wiseman)
Undisputed II: Last Man Standing (Director: Isaac Florentine)
Undoing (Director: Chris Can Lee)
United (Director: Paul Greengrass)
Unrest (Director: Jason Todd Ipson)
Valentina’s Tango (Director: Rogelio Lobato)
Vampire Diary (Directors: Mark James + Phil O’Shea)
Van Wilder II: The Rise Of Taj (National Lampoon’s) (Director: Mort Nathan)
Vengeance (Director: Gil Medina)
Vengeance (Director: Pleo Sirisuwan)
Venus (Director: Roger Michell)
Volver (Director: Pedro Almodóvar)
Voodoo Curse: The Giddeh (Director: Glenn Plummer)
Wages Of Sin (Director: Aaron Robson)
Waist Deep (Director Vondie Curtis-Hall)
Walker Payne (Director: Matt Williams)
Wango + Maloy (Director: Kristian Laslett)
Wasted (Director: Matt Oates)
Wedding Daze (Director: Michael Ian Black)
Whirlygirl (Director: Jim Wilson)
Who Made The Potatoe Salad? (Director: Coke Daniels)
Wicked Little Things (Director: J.S. Cardone)
Wild Seven (Director: James M. Hausler)
Wilderness (Director: Michael J. Bassett)
Wolfhound (Director: Nikolay Lebedev)
World Trade Center (Director: Oliver Stone)
Wristcutters A Love Story (Director: Goran Dukic)
Yellow (Director: Alfredo Rodriguez de Villa)

NC-17
(none)

Contests Ending This Week | Week of December 20, 2015

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DEMOLITION DAYS, PART 86

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Contests Ending This Week | Week of December 20, 2015

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