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Album of the Year #20: Lil B - The Hunchback of BasedGod

(Note: This review exceeds Reddit’s 40,000 character limit for text posts so three additional comments are posted in this thread with the rest of the review. Sorting comments by “old” will bring them up for you in order.)
 

EPISODE I: THE HUNCHED BACK MENACE

 
Welcome to Old BasedWorld
Hurried crowds, sparse synths and ringing cathedral bells in the streets of Old BasedWorld set the scene for our journey. High above the town in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, a young man with a hunched back dreams of a brighter tomorrow.
 
Staring Out My Window
“The only way you could really feel this pain is from the BasedGod” – From this opening line along with the somber instrumental accompanying it Lil B makes it clear that this project will be different from the hyphy material he’d been releasing since Black Ken. The BasedGod’s stirring musical backdrop allows Brandon to reminisce on the times he spent as a troubled youth staring out the windows of Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral (as pictured on the album cover), dreaming of a normal life with the rest of the citizens across the bridge in San Francisco New BasedWorld.
 
The Many Sides of a Genius
Using a compilation of voicemails taken directly from Old BasedWorld’s only working phone, Lil B uses these messages to convey his own message. The people leaving these voicemails were clearly important people in Brandon’s life and, one could say, are some of the “sides of genius” that helped him develop into the man he is today. It continues the album’s narrative of a brilliant soul whose talent and ambition are unnoticed by the outside world, with only those who are closest to him recognizing the genius within.
 
Ain’t Gon Pick Up
One of the people leaving a voicemail on “The Many Sides of a Genius” mentioned how Lil B never picks up his phone, so it’s only appropriate that the next song has B discussing why he chooses not to answer the phone in Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral. It also ties back in to the theme of unrecognized talent, with Brandon stating in the chorus “I ain’t gon pick up, nobody gives a fuck so I don’t give a fuck”. References to stomach pains and Crohn’s disease further highlight how B is feeling “sick to [his] stomach” of being disrespected: by the end of the song, the listener fully understands why Lil B wouldn’t be interested in picking up his phone.
 
Hunchback of BasedGod
One of the album’s great conceptual triumphs. Lil B states from the jump that this song is meant to be a set of instructions for the Hunchback of BasedGod for his eventual descent from his perch back into the town of Old BasedWorld and beyond. It’s still unclear whether or not Lil B himself is the Hunchback, the BasedGod, the Hunchback of BasedGod, or none of the above: the abstractness allows the listener to form their own perceptions and create their own story. Again, there’s a continuation of themes from the previous songs, with further references to stomach pains and issues of self-worth and meaninglessness coming from Lil B: with so much pain in this world, is it even worth it for the Hunchback to enter society? By the end of the song, Brandon affirms that it is, stating, “Do it and don’t just watch/ Step in the game and have fun/ We all townspeople, we one/”. As such, the Hunchback leaves the cathedral, passing through the cobblestone streets of Old BasedWorld while hushed onlookers stare silently, as he ventures out towards New BasedWorld.
 
Berkeley San Francisco Its the BasedGod
This song is delivered from the perspective of the Hunchback, as revealed in the first line of the first verse: “I got the hunched back from all the depression”. Themes of struggle from the previous tracks reemerge, but you get the sense that the Hunchback is beginning to build up his self-esteem, boasting how he refuses to conform to the looks and expectations of the other townsfolk. He also seems to have gotten past the lack of recognition that was hindering him on “The Many Sides of a Genius” and “Ain’t Gon Pick Up”, as he proudly exclaims, “Who cares if I’m famous?” This gives the Hunchback the confidence to finally travel across the bridge he so often observed from his cathedral window. The townspeople are stunned: the Golden Gate BasedWorld Bridge had been badly damaged and decayed for decades, with no one daring to cross in the fears that it would collapse. But the Hunchback’s persistence leads him to make it across unscathed.
 
Outer Mission Music
With his feet firmly set in New BasedWorld, the Hunchback visits the colony of Outer Mission, a tight-knit community of New BasedWorld inhabitants who are unsure of how to react to their visitor. Lil B spends much of this track describing his interactions with the colony’s locals, which include Justin Timberlake, Alex Rodriguez, and Lionel Messi as tribe members. He also manages to make the situation surrounding the identities of his disparate personalities even more confusing, stating, “Lil B, I’ve seen him in public/ Is that the Hunchback of BasedGod, or is that the BasedGod? It’s BasedGod/” Will we ever know the difference?
 
Wake Up Get High Go Back to Sleep
In spite of a renewed sense of confidence brought upon by his decision to leave his old life behind, not all is perfect in the Hunchback’s mind. On this joint (pun intended) he harkens back to his days in the cathedral, where he would spend his mornings smoking heavy doses of marijuana in order to numb the pain of his seclusion, often to the point of losing consciousness. It’s also worth noting that the only weed that grows naturally in Old BasedWorld is mids, so the Hunchback would need to smoke a significant amount to achieve the desired effect.
 
Video Game That I Still Play
The irony in the title of this song is that the “video game” the BasedGod is referencing here is in fact a metaphor for his own life’s journey. As he so aptly states during the chorus: “My life is like a video game/ It’s been so weird, but I still play”. The fact of the matter is, Lil B could have chosen to rage quit this game of life long ago, but his perseverance has brought him to a new place of inner peace within the confines of New BasedWorld, even if the townsfolk are still unsure of how to respond to their new neighbor.
 
I Rather Die Then Go Home
At the end of the previous song, the Hunchback makes reference to an incident where he visited the Café Au Coquelet, a boutique restaurant in New BasedWorld. Upon his arrival, he received a similar reaction to those he used to receive in his homeland: “I go to restaurants, people stop smiling”. While some of the townspeople have begun to appreciate his presence, many of the other New BasedWorld residents still recognize his outsider status and continue to shun him as a result. This song is B’s response, with a firm affirmation that he would rather die than have to go back to the life of isolation he led in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, where he wasn’t really living life to begin with. That said, the song’s mistitling of based comrade The-Dream’s original line of “I’d rather die than go home” as “I rather die then go home” leaves the Hunchback’s true intentions up for interpretation.
 
Crying in the Club
After finishing a five-course meal at the boutique, B ventures out to the party district of New BasedWorld, where he surprisingly gets admitted to one of the most exclusive night clubs in the land. As he observes the scene, the crushing reality of the differences between himself and the other clubgoers becomes apparent. A single tear is shed, followed by another, and another, until the BasedGod is in a state of full-blown emotional distress. In spite of his condition, he makes it known that he isn’t ashamed of wearing his heart on his sleeve, openly admitting in the chorus: “I don’t really care if I hurt myself, I don’t really care who sees”. This unyielding display of raw emotion brings the music and dancing to a halt. All eyes are now fixated on the strange being with the tear-stained T-shirt and the disfigured spine. He lets out a desperate plea: “I just want a hug…” To the surprise of the Hunchback, the residents of New BasedWorld collectively embrace him, looking past his outer deformities to recognize the beautiful soul that exists within. Historians would later acknowledge this moment as the primary catalyst for the BasedWorld Revolution™.
 
 

EPISODE II: THE COLD WARS

 
Voyage to Berkeley California
Meanwhile, down in the town of Old BasedWorld, the townsfolk slept restlessly, their dreams invaded by shadowy fake based figures digging away at their souls. Every day, people would wake and stare at the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Why was the Hunchback not ringing the bells that had kept the evil spirits of the fake based realm out of their lives? It was then they realized that the Hunchback had crossed the sacred bridge and ventured to New BasedWorld. Frantic to reconcile with the gatekeeper they had long taken for granted, a group of the townspeople decide to bravely seek out the BasedGod in the hopes that he will return. However, they recognize that crossing the BasedWorld Bridge is something no mortal man is capable of doing and living to tell the tale. Using a secret map rumored to have been drawn up by Captain 66 himself, a group of citizens board a modest ship to cross the San Francisco BasedWorld Bay on a warm summer’s eve. Will they survive? Only time will tell.
 
Across the Sea
And here, ladies and gentlemen, we are presented with the greatest plot twist this side of the Fingerpoke of Doom: It turns out Lil B is not actually the Hunchback and/or the BasedGod after all.
 
Perhaps we should have known all along...
 
Indeed, unbeknownst to the townspeople (who themselves had just assumed all three entities were combined as one person), Lil B has remained in BasedWorld all along in disguise. About halfway into their journey across the Bay, Lil B’s resentment towards his shipmates and their longing for the Hunchback’s return gets the best of him, and the violent persona exhibited on tracks like “Murder Rate” and “Domestic Violence Case” overtakes Lil B’s natural pacifist tendencies. In a fit of rage, he attacks them, “knocking them off the boat” into the shark-infested waters and keeping all of the remaining LifeVests to himself. B himself recognizes the consequences of his actions, ending the song by saying, “This darkness… It’s scary.” Nonetheless, he refuses to be stopped in his mission to visit New BasedWorld and confront the Hunchback all on his own.
 
Where Is the Potion
Having arrived on the shores of New BasedWorld, Lil B ventures into town. Knowing that the only way to find the elusive Hunchback is through the townspeople who may have caught a glimpse of him, he travels to the aforementioned nightclub, with floors still drenched in the BasedGod’s tears from earlier, asking, “Where is the potion?” The response he’s given comes in the form of several bottles of liquor, which quickly dispel any notions of anxiety or self-doubt that may have stopped Lil B from completing his mission. A few of the club’s premium members willingly show him the spots around town where they had spotted the Hunchback, but any further clues of his whereabouts are hard to come by. Before they know it, they find themselves at one of the many riverbanks in New BasedWorld, where a celebration of the BasedGod’s glory is in full swing.
 
Riverdance
This instrumental is what Lil B and the clubgoers heard as they made their way to the bank of the river. Speaking with more of the natives, Lil B learns more of the Hunchback’s travels and experiences in New BasedWorld and begins to put the pieces together in his mind for where the BasedGod may be headed next.
 
Wolves and Snakes
As Lil B continues to plot his course, the BasedGod, who has just finished eating a salad on his way to the colony of Chaddick, senses a disturbance in the Based Force, feeling as though him and his hunched back may be in grave danger. He ponders on the wolves and the snakes that he was forced to deal with in his past life and reflects on the growth he’s experienced since leaving the dreaded, darkened halls of the Cathedral. In spite of this, he can’t help but shake the feeling that, like in the proverbial rear-view mirror, one of these wolves and/or snakes may be closer than they appear…
 
Meeting on UC Berkeley Campus Today
Undeterred, the Hunchback makes his way to UC Berkeley, New BasedWorld’s sole institution of higher learning. After giving a spirited 90 minute lecture on the power of positivity (modeled after previous lectures at such high class institutions as NYU,Carnegie Mellon and Princeton), the BasedGod is greeted by a mass of adoring students at the university. The male students beg for the BasedGod to fuck their bitches, and said bitches are more than willing to oblige. In a grand spectacle, the Hunchback has consensual sex with all 1,000 of the college’s female attendees while this instrumental blares out of speakers across the campus, being awarded with a trophy as a result of his success.
 
Artistic or Autistic
Elsewhere in New BasedWorld, Lil B attempts to strategize his next move. However, planning the escapade is made difficult thanks to B’s second most potent Internet distraction after his Twitter feed: Reddit. Going through a series of faked based comments on the hiphopheads subreddit, Lil B is particularly struck by a comment suggesting that he may in fact be suffering from the neurological disorder autism. The assertion is an eye-opening moment for him: after all, the elevated levels of lead found in Old BasedWorld’s drinking water had been a concern amongst the town’s scientists for years, and his own behaviors and thought patterns seemed to align relatively well with the common symptoms of the condition. After a brief moment of solemnity, Lil B realizes that his immaculate catalog of music has been made possible because of who he is, and if he is autistic, it is an essential component of his artistic output. This song is the result of this revelation.
 
Free 03
Our story continues as the BasedGod chooses to use his newfound fame and glory to give back to the New BasedWorld community. He begins volunteering at the New BasedWorld Penitentiary, espousing his worldview and giving advice to the inmates on how to make positive contributions to society after they have served their time. One particular inmate catches his eye: a fellow hip hop artist named 03 Greedo, who was arrested a few years earlier in a drug trafficking scheme. The Hunchback’s conversations with the young man have a profound impact on him, and in the weeks and months to come, Greedo becomes the model prisoner for other inmates to aspire to be, with intentions of joining the ministry upon his release. The BasedGod, proud of what he was able to accomplish, promises to dedicate a song on his new 50 song mixtape to Greedo.
 
Rhode Island
Rhode Island, officially the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, is a state in the New England region of the northeastern United States. It is the smallest U.S. state by area, the seventh least populous, but is also the second most densely populated. Rhode Island is bordered by Connecticut to the west, Massachusetts to the north and east, and the Atlantic Ocean to the south via Rhode Island Sound and Block Island Sound. It also shares a small maritime border with New York. Providence is the state capital and most populous city in Rhode Island.
 
As Rhode Island is located on the opposite side of the continent from Old and New BasedWorld, it has nothing to do with this story other than this brief mention of its existence.
 
I’m Depressed Again
While the Hunchback is continuing to make great strides in improving the lives of the people in New BasedWorld, he continues to be fazed by an ever-growing sense of something troubling being on the horizon. A dark evil is emerging that he cannot foresee, and he worries that by the time he learns what this evil may be, it will be too late. This sends the BasedGod back into a spiraling depression, one not felt since the last day he had spent alone in the cathedral. He warns his closest confidants of the impending doom, saying, “Real talk… Feel it through your heart. Feel it through the spirit. You can feel it through the dark, cold as ever.”
 
Café Au Coquelet
At the same time as the Hunchback is experiencing this sense of dread, Lil B has made his way to Café Au Coquelet, one of the first spots in New BasedWorld that was graced by the power and the glory of the BasedGod. Lil B immediately detects the Hunchback’s prior presence in the vicinity: all of the restaurant’s guests are acting unusually positive and based towards one another, and the only dish that anyone has ordered over the past week has been the clams casino. Lil B also recognizes that the music playing in the background of the restaurant (the instrumental that is this song) was created by the BasedGod. Enraged, he stands up on the restaurant tables and begins to lambast the townsfolk for having fallen for the lies and deceit of a false prophet. He dictates a new philosophy, beginning by disposing of the food everybody has already ordered and teaching them how to cook for themselves. Before long, the entire restaurant is cooking to “Like a Martian”. A growing sect of New BasedWorld begins to emerge in objection to the Hunchback’s teachings, with Lil B and the swag movement as their new leader.
 
Downtown Berkeley Protest
Back in the colony of Berkeley, the BasedGod is gathering his followers together for a celebration of optimism and goodwill unto others. His new instrumental track plays as the Hunchback’s followers enjoy the festivities. It is at this moment that the BasedGod feels a searing pain encompass his entire being, and he recognizes that this is the moment he has been fearing for the past few weeks: the evil has arrived. A mass of residents from the other New BasedWorld colonies have descended upon the party with torches and handguns. Dressed in pink shirts, tiny pants and Vans sneakers, they march to the center of the crowd in unison, yelling nonsensical phrases such as “Figaro!” and “Martha Stewart!” as the frightened followers of the Hunchback look on. At the front of the mob is the leader, the enigmatic Lil B. He flashes a slight smile at the BasedGod, who stares directly back into the eyes of his former student. As the crowd of pretty residents begin to hurl insults and grievances towards the based residents, Lil B raises one hand, and the noise stops. Then, he begins to walk away. B’s worshipers follow him out of the city square in silent unison. Many of the Hunchback’s flock wonder if this is the end of the madness. However, the BasedGod knows deep down inside that this is just the beginning.
 
 

EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE BITCH

 
Bring the BasedGod and Lil B Gifts
This is a Cold War, and we know what each side is fighting for. The New BasedWorld citizens have been divided into an even split, with half of the townsfolk (now calling themselves the “Task Force”) following the ways of the Hunchback and the other half (now calling themselves the “Bitch Mob”) committing themselves to the teachings of Lil B. In a frantic attempt to prove the superiority of one leader over the other, the townspeople begin to bestow luxurious gifts and rewards upon their idols in an attempt to make one appear more grandiose than the other. Lil B relishes in his newfound fame, gladly accepting a plethora of PlayStation 2 and Xbox 360 games from his fans, along with a fully registered copy of FL Studio to allow him to produce beats on the same level as the BasedGod. Meanwhile, on the other side of the village, the Hunchback seems uncomfortable embracing his new role as a worshipped deity. Having become accustomed to people ignoring him or being flat-out disgusted by his appearance, the adjustment to now becoming the leader of thousands of men is one that is not made easily.
 
Body Shaming
The opposing sides of New BasedWorld’s population quickly transition from honoring their respective leaders to creating smear campaigns against the opposition. One of the Bitch Mob’s most talented computer hackers manages to secure nude photographs of the Hunchback and distribute them online, highlighting the embarrassing weight gain that the BasedGod has endured over the past 5 years. The Hunchback is at first distraught upon hearing the news: “Why are they body shaming me? Why would they say all these mean things?” It is only when the BasedGod taps into his creamy center, where all the gooey happy-lovin' goo sits that allows him to be the nicest, most compassionate person he’s ever been, that he’s able to let the world know that he will not fall down so easy. He releases this song on his MySpace as a rebuttal, saying, “There's no reason to bully people and make fun of folks”. The Task Force immediately lauds the song as the perfect response to the scandal, while the Bitch Mob lashes out at the lack of trap drums and celebrity-based adlibs.
 
Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap
“So self-conscious, you feel me?”: Despite the approval of his comrades, the BasedGod is unable to shake the ever-persistent sense of self-hatred that is being exacerbated by the actions of the Bitch Mob. He feels his mind regressing to a prior state of fear and insecurity akin to that of his days spent in isolation in the Cathedral. Deep inside, the Hunchback finds himself in the midst of an existential crisis: how can one speak on the benefits of positivity and self-love when one does not truly love thyself? What would the consequences be of allowing this negativity to manifest itself in real time? Surely, an admission of hopelessness would spell defeat for the Task Force, allowing Lil B and his army of pretty townsfolk to rule the land for all eternity. But it would also be hypocritical for the BasedGod to continue to preach the Gospel of Based when his mind is not in a based state of being. In a move that would prove to be one of the most shocking of the Cold War, the Hunchback gathers his followers in the town square to announce that he will be taking an oath of silence until peace can be found between the two factions of New BasedWorld, capping off his decree with the debut of his ‘final’ song, “Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap”. The crowd gasps and devolves into hysteria, with thousands pleading for the Hunchback to reconsider, rightly worried over what would become of the based movement without the voice of its sole originator. But the BasedGod is persistent. He silently walks through the crowd, hugging each of his based brethren (and consensually face-fucking some of the females) before departing, possibly for good. Some time after midnight, he successfully crosses the Based Bridge and returns to Old BasedWorld, making his way back to the Cathedral without a single soul noticing his presence. He travels to the deepest, darkest depths of the Cathedral’s caverns, located miles beneath the Earth’s surface, where he begins an indefinite period of contemplation and meditation. This sequence of events would prove to be a milestone of the BasedWorld Revolution™, and would be forever immortalized in the cover art for the Where Did the Sun Go? mixtape.
 
Intermission
It was a bad time for both Old and New BasedWorld. The Hunchback just stayed inside his Cathedral and he never came out. People said his brain was infected by fake based devils. The Task Force hurt the most of all: without their leader, they crumbled and succumbed to the will of the Bitch Mob. Lil B’s tyrannical rise to power was all but complete. In the months that followed, he would expand his territorial control, conquering the villages of Albany and East Oakland and even sending troops to claim regions of land as far away as Hawaii and Nepal.
 
Nearly a full year after the disappearance of the BasedGod, Lil B’s armies waged war on Old BasedWorld. The BasedWorld Bridge was destroyed, leaving Lil B and his followers (who controlled the naval fleets) as the only ones who had access to both sides of the territory. After taking most of its citizens hostage and establishing a new structure of government with Lil B at the helm, the Bitch Mob began to formulate its Ultimate Bitch Plan to capture the Hunchback. One night, they rushed the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, setting it ablaze and burning the once-iconic structure to the ground in the hopes of finding the charred body of the BasedGod buried underneath the rubble. When they failed to retrieve the body, the contingent of pretty boys and girls was ordered by Lil B to venture underground, as an ancient prophecy had foretold the Hunchback’s journey to the center of the Earth. Armed with assault rifles of all varieties, they began their descent into the depths of the caverns.
 
However, the deeper they traveled, the more they became disillusioned by their actions, and the actions of their once-beloved leader Lil B. They did not realize that the closer they got to the Hunchback, the more they were swayed by his righteousness and his way of being. Soon, they were no more than a few hundred yards from locating the BasedGod. It was at this moment that they had a great awakening, recognizing the error of their ways and freeing themselves from the spell that had been placed on them by Lil B. They abandoned their mission, instead choosing to return to the surface without the Hunchback. Lil B, furious at the group’s reluctance to complete their task, began to chastise his former followers, and prepared to issue one of his infamous curses upon them, one which would result in certain death. Having become completely overwhelmed with the guilt and the shame of their exploits as part of Lil B’s army (and also acknowledging the fact that none of them would ever win an NBA championship now without signing to Golden State), they instead turned the guns Lil B had given to them on themselves, committing mass suicide on top of the remains of the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Thousands of Old BasedWorld onlookers stared in paralyzing shock as the sound of hundreds of guns discharged at once. What followed was several hours of silence, as Lil B, covered in the blood of his former troops, coldly stared at the mass of dead bodies, trying his best to process what had just taken place.
 
 

EPISODE IV: A NEW HO(PE)

 
The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Bay, most of the former Task Force members still remaining in New BasedWorld have all but accepted their fates, purchasing clothing that is too tight for them to wear comfortably and listening to the government-approved “Cooking Music” playlist on a constant loop. A small contingent of Hunchback loyalists remain, holding private meetings in the basement of the Café Au Coquelet and listening to the “Based Music” playlist in shrouded secrecy. Upon learning that Lil B and a commission of his troops had left to invade Old BasedWorld, the few remaining Task Force members felt it was safe enough to worship the Hunchback out in the open one last time. As most of the Bitch Mob members who had crossed the BasedWorld Bay with Lil B had come from the village of West Berkeley, the BasedGod’s loyal comrades choose the village’s Waterfront area as the gathering place for the ceremony. Unbeknownst to any of the group’s members, the mass suicides in Old BasedWorld were taking place at the exact same time as the celebration in New BasedWorld was commencing. The Task Force members rejoice, harmoniously singing the BasedGod’s favorite songs of worship: “B.O.R. (Birth of Rap)”, “The Age of Information” and “No Black Person Is Ugly” are belted out towards the heavens. Suddenly, the youngest of the Task Force’s members (who goes by the name of u/insabnma) feels a twinge underneath his bare feet. He looks down at the ground and notices that he has stepped on a golden USB drive, encrusted with diamonds and embroidered with the word “BASED” in all caps. The curious group of based boys and girls procure a laptop and, upon plugging the drive in, are amazed to find a .zip folder of 13 unreleased instrumentals credited as being produced by the BasedGod. Even more amazingly, the first song is entitled “The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night”: the exact place and time of day that they are performing their ritual. The Task Force members ecstatically listen to the new music, with several being driven to the point of involuntary orgasm. Throughout the night, word spreads throughout New BasedWorld of the drive’s existence, and suddenly, the followers of the Hunchback have a renewed sense of hope.
 
Games of Berkeley and Magic Cards
The next evening, thousands of Task Force members, old and new, join together in the town square of Berkeley, the last place that the Hunchback was seen alive. A Task Force party has commenced, with various games being played and the Based Music playlist blasting from the colony’s speakers. As it is nearing midnight, the townspeople are each given a magic life card, rumored to be the same life cards that were discussed in the BasedGod’s legendary philosophical diatribe [“Life on Earth”](). At the stroke of 12, the second of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played, as the crowd enthusiastically chants “Thank You BasedGod” along to the beat. The expectation is that the Hunchback will hear their prayer and reemerge by the end of the song. However, this was not to be the case: the instrumental ends, with the BasedGod nowhere to be found. For a moment, the Task Force is disheartened, wondering if the signs pointing to a return of the Hunchback were too good to be true. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a shooting star flies across the Berkeley sky, the brightest and most brilliant star that anyone in the colony has ever seen. It continues to arc across the northwestern skyline and appears to land in the village of Albany, a formerly based territory which has been overrun with members of the Bitch Mob. The Task Force is again filled with a renewed sense of hope at this discovery, as they courageously follow the signs that could lead them to the Hunchback’s holy ascension.
 
Walking Through Albany California
Upon arriving in Albany, the Task Force members notice a contingent of Bitch Mob members huddled around a large crater, approximately one mile in diameter. Evidently, this is where the shooting star had landed. One of the senior members of the tribe is examining the star, which, contrary to its once large and brilliant appearance, has been reduced to the size of a small rock. Several Bitch Mob members now make their way into the crater to examine the fallen star. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the once-dead star explodes into thousands of pieces, each piece shooting out towards the heads of a Bitch Mob member (though some less fortunate members wind up getting hit in the balls). When the star touches each member, it instantly uploads the third of the BasedGod’s secret instrumentals directly into their cerebral cortex. The Bitch Mob members are at first displeased at the lack of poorly mixed 808s and rattling hi-hats, but soon after, they begin to comprehend and enjoy the BasedGod’s alternative production style. Once the song has finished, they have all been converted into full-fledged comrades of the Task Force. The Berkeley delegation of Task Force welcomes their new brothers and sisters into the fold, and the group marches on to spread the word of the Hunchback’s return to the other villages.
 
The Sound of Being Bullied
While this is all occurring in the BasedWorld territories, something else entirely is beginning to unfold in the far away kingdom of Detroit, Michigan. Teejay Witherspoon, the Bitch Mob’s certified rarest hacker, leans back in his chair and slyly grins. His successful exploitation of the BasedGod a year ago has proven to be a major turning point in the young man’s life. His notoriety has allowed him to start a rap career of his own, with several music videos on YouTube having gone viral throughout the past 12 months. His loyalty to the Bitch Mob has been unquestioned, and he has since been promoted to a senior position within the fold. As he clicks his way through a darkweb laundering scheme one evening, he leaves to take a shit and, upon returning to his computer, notices that a mysterious golden USB drive has been plugged into the laptop. Only one file exists on the drive: an audio file entitled “The Sound of Being Bullied.flac”. Teejay curiously loads the file into VLC, and the instant the song begins, he is assaulted with a rush of crushing despair and depression. The title of the song spoke for itself. Teejay is experiencing the totality of the Hunchback’s negative emotions that had been fueled by his prior actions, but even more intensely, and as the emotions begin to amplify, he next notices that his physical being is being affected as well. His body is shaking uncontrollably, his skin is beginning to peel, his eyes are popping out of his skull. After four minutes and seven seconds of agonizing torture, his entire being bursts into flames, unable to handle the power of the BasedGod’s wrath. The song ends.
 
No Longer Afraid of the Dark
It’s dark. The air is still. The ground is hot. Water drips from the ceiling. The Hunchback, in a deep state of reflection, hasn’t moved a muscle for over 12 months. His shriveled body has been starved of nourishment and exercise, but fortunately, his weight gain has had the positive effect of having enough fat stored to keep him alive. The amount of based energy needed to have maintained this state of being has aged the BasedGod considerably. He has been devoid of almost any sense of perception for at least a few months. A faint glow radiates from his being. He has concentrated his powers to what was thought to be an unattainable degree of positivity. Before his extended withdrawal from society, the negative side of the force was something that the Hunchback struggled to put out of mind. At the level of based he now encompasses, the light of positivity is too grand for the BasedGod to fail. He is no longer afraid of the dark. And that’s because the dark no longer exists. The cavern has been filled with his based radiance. And the Hunchback is almost ready to return and spread this radiance throughout the land.
 
Nepal Wants the BasedGod
All across BasedWorld, shooting star sightings have been abound, and thousands upon thousands of Bitch Mob members have been converted to Task Force faithful. Even beyond the traditional confines of BasedWorld, rare star sightings have also been seen in the Bitch Mob’s disparate properties. A star lands in the Bitch Mob’s Nepalian expansion territory. After having its people cleansed with the power of the BasedGod’s sixth secret instrumental track, Nepal adopts a new constitution which entails all of its citizens to embrace the Hunchback’s teachings of optimism and self-love.
 
Taxi Around Town
The streets of Old BasedWorld have been in dire need of repair ever since the Bitch Mob ransacked the colony, but that doesn’t stop Travis, one of the land’s only remaining horse-drawn taxi drivers, from making a buck. One evening, he picks up a mysterious hooded figure in one of the town’s more dangerous districts. The man enters the carriage, greeting the driver with two words: “Hello, Travis.” The driver says nothing. The horses begin their trek through the streets, passing by a row of burning buildings. Travis breaks his silence. “It’s lit,” he says. “The buildings, that is. There’s only a few Bitch Mob members left at this point but they always blow these things up.” The figure feels more comfortable speaking to the driver: “I hear you got the nomination”. It dawns on Travis that this person must be almost exactly one year behind the times: has he ever even heard of Cardi B? Regardless, he plays along. “Straight up. Won’t be long now.” The figure smiles, quipping, “Well, I hope you win.” He then proceeds to remove his hood. Travis looks back and momentarily gasps. His composure returns soon thereafter. Unsure of how to proceed, he attempts to continue the conversation. “I… I read about you in the papers… How are you?” Knowing he’s referring to the suicides, the figure replies, “Oh, it’s nothing new, I got over that.” They sit in silence for the remainder of the ride. Soon, the horses come upon their destination, the edge of the BasedWorld Bay. The figure gets out of the car. Turning to Travis, he asks, “How much was it?” Travis is nearly speechless. He lets out one final Auto-Tuned “So long………..LA FLAME!” and the horses gallop off.
 
Berkeley California Before Lil B
A massive cleaning project has commenced throughout Berkeley. The townspeople have nearly all been converted to followers of the BasedGod by this point, and in a unanimous vote, the colony’s leaders choose to rid Berkeley of any and all trace of Lil B and his formerly effective propaganda. Murals are whitewashed, statues are torn down, and portraits are removed from public spaces as the eighth of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played on a loop. The many books proclaiming Lil B’s omnipotence are collectively burned to ash in the town square. Even saying the name “Lil B” is punishable by fine of up to $30,000, equivalent to the amount of money Lil B had charged for features (in contrast to the Hunchback’s extremely generous $0.01 minimum fee for a verse). The townspeople are once again a tight-knit unit of based human beings living their best lives. It was just like Berkeley California before Lil B.
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Q Magazine feature

Come join JENNY LEWIS in Las Vegas and LA to hear tales of childhood fame, dysfunctional parents and a 20-year singersongwriter career full of audio riches and heartbreaking wrenches. “You wanna blaze a doob outside, then I’ll shower?” she asks EVE BARLOW.
With arms outstretched: Jenny Lewis jumps for joy, Los Angeles, 8 May, 2019.
Photography Rachael wright Watch this!” says Jenny Lewis, sipping on a Modelo. “Take a visual of this for a second.” It’s midnight in Mandalay Bay’s casino, Las Vegas, and Lewis is exiting the House Of Blues where she’s just played the debut show of her tour for fourth solo album, On The Line. In the bar next door a band plays; a group of long-haired men whose bodies look beaten by decades of strife, yet their faces exude a purposeful passion. “Big wheels keep on turning…” chews the lead vocalist. “Carry me home to see my kin.”
They holler the chorus of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Sweet Home Alabama and Lewis marvels. “Oh my God. This! These are my people!” Lewis isn’t coming home to Vegas, though she was born here, sharing a birthday with Bowie and Elvis. Los Angeles has been her home throughout a 20-year singer-songwriter career, her second. Her first career was as a child actor. She met her agent aged two-and-a-half, bought a house at five and quit by 20. Highlights include starring in 1989’s The Wizard opposite Fred Savage and playing Lucille Ball’s granddaughter in Life With Lucy.
Tonight, she’s an extra in a different scene. “These are lounge musicians”, she says of Vegas’s Lynyrd Skynyrd. “A covers band. This is like my whole family: my parents, my sister, my brother.”
Unlike the tale of Sweet Home Alabama, Lewis doesn’t have much kin left. “Just my sister. And a shit ton of half-siblings.” Sister Leslie isn’t here, but will be at tomorrow’s LA show. Her dad died in 2010.
Eddie Gordon was a virtuoso harmonica player and absent. “He played Brahms on the harmonica – a prodigy”, she says. Her mother Linda sang in a ‘70s duo with Gordon, called Love’s Lounge. Eddie and Linda played at the Tropicana and the Sands, which has since been bulldozed. “Beautiful footage”, she says – of the bulldozing, not her parents.
Lewis grew up watching things fall apart.
It made her a great raconteur. Brother Steve lives in Minnesota. His 30-year-old covers band is called The Rockin’ Hollywoods. One night The Rockin’ Hollywoods played local bar Mancini’s. “In the middle of the set the drums stopped”, she says. The band looked back to find their drummer slumped over the kit. He’d died. It’s part of Minnesotan lore: Prince, The Replacements and this. What song did he die playing? “Footloose”, she laughs. “He died on his throne. His drum throne. God, I hope I don’t die on the fucking throne”, she says, meaning the toilet.
“What a terrible place to die.”
Her parents divorced and Lewis moved to LA’s San Fernando Valley where she still lives. Her first memory is in Vegas – of her babysitter Lisa holding her by the pool.
“Lisa was a female Elvis impersonator – called Ellis.” She chortles. “I’m not making this up. That’s the fucked-up part, I don’t make shit up.” Throughout her four albums with indie band Rilo Kiley, four solo albums, plus numerous side-projects, Lewis has never made shit up. She seems destined to outclass her family’s talents. “None of my peeps were writers”, she says. “They were song interpreters.”
That fate changed when one of Linda’s boyfriends taught seven-year-old Lewis piano. “The moment he taught me Phantom Of The Opera I took the chords and wrote about my dad.” For her 15th birthday she wanted an acoustic guitar but Linda bought her a red Stratocaster. “I was so bummed.” She studied her Beatles songbook, and another one of Linda’s boyfriends taught her Desperado by the Eagles. “I wrote five songs over Desperado’s chords. One was about my friend Camille. A dark tale.
I played her it. She goes, ‘Ugh, I hate this song.’ I was like, ‘Sorry!’”
Turns out, Lewis’s catalogue contains many such harsh facts, but for years fans assumed some of it was fantasy. When she sings, “Where my ma is now, I don’t know/ She was living in her car, I was living on the road/And I hear she’s putting that stuff up her nose” on Rabbit Fur Coat (2006), she’s singing about their estrangement. Linda used to spend Lewis’s earnings on heroin.
“When you’re a child of an addict there’s a dynamic”, she says of her premature adulthood. “But I rebelled at 15, smoked cigarettes, ran away, did acid at the mall.” From the age of 12 she was in Alateen meetings – AA for teenage relatives of addicts. “My mom was in and out of jail and rehab. I was dropped off at an Alateen dance thinking, ‘Maybe I’ll meet a cute guy!’
GETTY
Riding high: (clockwise from right) Lewis goes for a spin in her back garden, LA, 2019; acting alongside Fred Savage in 1989’s The Wizard; with Rilo Kiley, 2004. “When you’re a child of an addict there’s a dynamic. But I rebelled at 15, smoked cigarettes, ran away, did acid at the mall.”
I didn’t.” She beat a kid up at school when word got out that Linda was using. “You defend your family’s honour”, she says. “So I fucking clocked them.”
Linda died from liver cancer in October 2017: Friday 13th. Lewis was by her side for eight weeks after two decades of silent treatment. Since then, she’s been sharing more than ever about her parents. Why? “Well they’re dead, so…” she says, cuttingly. “Sorry. I mean that’s the rule. I’m spitting on their graves. I didn’t wanna hurt them. Now they’re gone it’s my story. The truth as I see it.” Before she was terrified of what she saw. “I was repressing. I was writing about it but didn’t talk about it. I let very few people in. I was afraid they’d leave.” She pauses. “And I am my mother, so…”
The inner child in Lewis is contagious. Before the interview, she’s smoking a joint in a parking lot with LA restaurateur Roy Choi – a can of La Croix in one hand, a copy of Eminent Hipsters by Steely Dan’s Donald Fagen in the other. She’s 43 going on 13: boy crazy, talks like a character in Clueless, wears a weed-shaped pendant close to her heart. Later we’ll pass a Titanic exhibit. She’ll sigh, “Oh Leo.” Lewis would hang out with DiCaprio when they were teens. What did they get up to? “Well…” she giggles.
A mensch never tells. “We played video games at the arcade. Street Fighter.” She played as the character Dhalsim. “The long-legged guy. Never Ken. Ken’s too normal and definitely not Jewish.”
Jenny Lewis: “I feel in control of my craft right now…” As Lewis lets the night guide her, gliding past slot machines lined up like dominoes, she seems unfazed by losing her way or missing her 1am bus call. “This is where I feel most at home. With dirty carpets and a faraway smoke smell. It’s truly formative.
I feel like myself.” Even in moments of joy, her face has a way of falling. It reminds me of her lyric from 2006: “I was born secular and inconsolable.” Like a child, she becomes hopeless when there’s nothing to say. She tuts, hums, shakes her head.
On The Line is a grief album mourning her mother, but began as a grief album mourning a break-up. Lewis and Scottish- American songwriter Johnathan Rice were not married, but together for 12 years and made one album as Jenny And Johnny. Rice’s new LP came out today. Titled The Long Game, it’s about that dissolution.
It includes two songs they co-wrote. Has she listened to it? Her head shakes. “I uh…” Another silence. She takes her time and whispers quietly, “Not today.”
One co-write – Another Cold One – reads like a post break-up song (“It’s bittersweet in the long run/We’re both lost, nobody won”). Again her head shakes. “Often you don’t understand a song till later.” Her break-up was “pretty fresh” when Linda was hospitalised. “Johnathan was there for me”, she says. “I never want to hurt him.” She doesn’t believe in editing herself, though.
“I’ve said before: don’t hang around cannibals if you don’t wanna get eaten. I did not listen to his record today. But his record is fair game. It’s like Fight Club. The number one rule of dating another songwriter is: you can’t say anything about their songs.”
After all, her album contains songs about Rice (“after all we been through, don’t you wanna kiss me?”). After the split, Lewis fled to New York, the first time she’d lived outside LA. Her friend Annie Clark, aka St. Vincent, gave her her apartment. When she was younger she’d dream of NYU (“I never took my SATs”). “I’ve been trying to get out of the Valley since I was 16.” In New York, she realised that wherever you go, there you are. “Kind of a bummer”, she says.
By way of circumstance the songs were the first she’s written alone since Rabbit Fur Coat. She writes “almost every day”. “I feel in control of my craft right now in a way I hadn’t fully felt before”, she says. It contains all of Lewis’s nuances: her ‘60s classicism (Heads Gonna Roll), her blues-y rockers (Red Bull & Hennessy), her balladry (Dogwood). Little White Dove is its centrepiece. An olive branch to her mother on her hospital bed, and a reclamation. “In the middle of love, I’m the little white dove/ I’m the heroine”, she sings. She performs it onstage with a victory strut and a pout.
She recorded the LP with a showstopping group of legends, including Rolling Stones producer Don Was, Beck, and Ringo Starr in Capitol’s Studio A. “He’s so cool”, she says of the Beatle. “Way more relaxed than I was. I’d say, ‘Hello Ringo’, but between my teeth I was like, ‘Oh Jesus Christ!’ I love the fucking Stones. But I’m a Beatles stan.
It’s all I listen to.” The other day she was at AutoZone getting a new car battery. The clerk, an old man from India, was playing The Beatles. They bonded. “He said something so beautiful: ‘Babies love The Beatles.’ It’s true.” She sighs. “The Beatles transcend everything.”
WE’RE NO SPRING CHICKENS BUT WE’VE STILL GOT IT.
Says Lewis about her new which includes highlights…
  1. HAPPY
From solo LP Rabbit Fur Coat (2006)
Lewis performs this sad ballad banging two wooden claves. It’s slow and sleepy, like a train pulling into its station, while she waits for contentment to return.
  1. SILVER LINING
From Rilo Kiley’s Under The Blacklight (2007)
Rilo Kiley’s final LP was a go-hard-or-gohome effort for the band; a synth-y crossover into mainstream rock. Lewis carries its legacy effortlessly. “Hooray hooray, I’m your silver lining/Hooray hooray, but now I’m gold,” she sings.
  1. JUST ONE OF THE GUYS
From solo LP The Voyager (2014)
One of Lewis’s finest: an ode to curating your own rules in a man’s world but eventually hitting a wall.“There’s only one difference between you and me,” she sings.“When I look at myself all I can see/ I’m just another lady without a baby.”
  1. RED BULL & HENNESSY
From solo LP On The Line (2019)
There’s a moment in the bridge where Lewis goes full-on Kate Bush. Contains all the drama of Fleetwood Mac, and similarly she’s lived it.
  1. WITH ARMS OUTSTRETCHED
From Rilo Kiley’s The Execution Of All Things (2002)
One of Lewis’s most beloved anthems on unrequited love. She cuts the house lights for this, invites a sea of iPhone torches and lets the crowd carry the verses.“And if you want me, you better speak up/ I won’t wait, so you better move fast.”
  1. ACID TONGUE
From solo LP Acid Tongue (2008)
A folkier acoustic ballad and one of Lewis’s best stories. She sings about taking solace in sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. “To be lonely is a habit like smoking or taking drugs/And I’ve quit them both but, man, was it rough.”
Performing These Days with Jackson Browne at the Hollywood Palladium;
“No popping, guys!” Lewis is a band freak. Before Rice, before her solo career, came Blake Sennett and Rilo Kiley. Sennett and Lewis wrote songs, played them to room-mates and formed a foursome. They took off in 2001. “It took over my entire life. I was in a relationship with my bandmate, just like my parents. The cycle continued. I had no idea.”
The band survived long after their split. “It sucked!” she says. “It was so hard. You break up, then you see the person the next day and spy on them outside the club like, ‘Are they making out with someone else?’
But I don’t know how to be with someone unless we play music together. I’m away for so long. I wanna hang with my babe.”
You wonder if it’s tough for a prolific, successful female to be with a male songwriter of lesser success. One of Rice’s new lyrics goes: “I always pictured you and me growing old disgracefully/Now I see the club’s sold out and there’s no room for me.”
She makes a pained face. “Yeah, probably not a good idea”, she says, of the question, seeking to keep things sweet. “Johnathan is amazing, and was supportive. It takes a very special person to be able to support a strong woman. It shouldn’t but it does.”
Lewis gravitated towards special men, who lent her their platform. In the 2000s, she was a queen amid a sea of male anti-heroes including Bright Eyes, Modest Mouse and Death Cab For Cutie. She was a “superfan” who studied the back of Death Cab’s Something About Airplanes LP and sent Rilo Kiley’s demos to their label Barsuk. She discovered Bright Eyes from a friend’s mixtape, bought Fevers And Mirrors and listened in the car “crying my fucking eyes out”. She wanted to know Conor Oberst. “Who was this? My soulmate? And he’s super cute? It was fucking Christmas!”
Oberst was the reason she made debut Rabbit Fur Coat, which was the catalyst for Rilo Kiley’s demise. He asked her to make a solo album for then new label Team Love.
“I go, ‘That’s so controversial, I’m in a fucking band. I’m not a solo artist. I’m a band person!’” He insisted. The resulting album – confessional, spooky and gospel-tinged – was a cut above. Soon she was invited to be on Death Cab frontman Ben Gibbard’s side-project The Postal Service, too. “What a lovely gift to pluck me out of a dysfunctional [band]. Without Conor, without Ben… They believed in me and gave me a chance to learn, to step up and just fucking do it.”
Not all have been princes, though. The unmentionable of On The Line’s players is Ryan Adams, who produced briefly. Weeks after the LP was announced, the New York Times ran a story containing allegations of sexual misconduct against Adams employing the voices of ex-wife Mandy Moore, exfiancée Megan Butterworth, artist Phoebe Bridgers and a woman named Ava who was 14 years old at the time of Adams’s alleged abuse. He worked with Lewis in early 2017.
“I was in a relationship with my bandmate, just like my parents. It was so hard. You break up, then you see the person the next day outside the club like, ‘Are they making out with someone else?’ But I don’t know how to be with someone unless we play music together.”
“I was born secular and inconsolable…”: Lewis relaxes at home;
this year’s On The Line album. Lewis looks glum when Adams’s name is mentioned. After the allegations, she tweeted, “I am deeply troubled by Ryan Adams’ alleged behavior [sic]. Although he and I had a working professional relationship, I stand in solidarity with the women who have come forward.” She told Pitchfork she “hates” that he’s on the album. It’s not Lewis who should have to justify her actions.
She doesn’t resent having these conversations. “I get scared when I’m asked about Ryan. Ryan is an important part of the bigger story of my career. We have a deep musical connection. I really appreciate his contributions. Unfortunately I sometimes feel like I can’t say it. However! Bad behaviour is bad behaviour and if you’re fucked up people are gonna find out about it. You have to treat people well. To bring it back to The Beatles, we need to project peace and love. We also need yin and yang. But we can’t accept abusive behaviour.”
The next night at LA’s Palladium, the room brims with Hollywood starriness. The set is the best she’s ever designed. In a moment only a Jenny Lewis can pull off, a perspex phone rings upon a heart-shaped platform onstage. “Oh shit”, she says. She takes the call.
“Jackson Browne?”
She asks. “I’m in the middle of a show right now…” Browne appears. They perform These Days. “Don’t confront me with my failures, I had not forgotten them”, they sing. It’s an interpretation, sure, but Lewis could have written it. Her band ran through it at soundcheck in Vegas yesterday afternoon. Who called Jackson? “I mean I actually dated his son way back”, she said backstage.
Despite her family traumas, Lewis’s inheritance – music – is her greatest ally. “It was the family business. It wasn’t a choice. But music as a job? What a fucking snooze. It’s such a gift to have success in music.
Playing in a Vegas lounge is better than jail, or another boring ass job. It’s like Cass McCombs sang [The Executioner’s Song] – you gotta love your fucking job.” As she moves into a new independent life, she’s trying to take stock more. “I’m so short. I’m five-foot-three-anda- half. I have to remind myself: Look up!”
In 2019, she’s greeted by a new generation as an icon. Her lyrics have become mantras like Buddhism for millennials. “It’s crazy to do something for 20 years, let alone do an OK job”, she says. Bus call looms once more and she sparks up. “You wanna blaze a doob outside, then I’ll shower? There’s an order for things.” Spoken like a true professional.
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All I need (Anna's story ch2)

CH1:
https://www.reddit.com/sexstories/comments/ciba4g/all_i_need_annas_story_ch1/
​
Alexi called me the next day, to meet at a certain bench on the boardwalk at noon. He said would wait there for fifteen minutes past noon but if I was late he would be gone. He said this in a school principal-like tone, appropriate for his fifty-seven years but I just assumed he was nervous. I was eighteen, I could easily think of an excuse to not show.
But I didn't bail on him. He was my prince. I took an Uber to the spot, asking to be dropped off across the street. I needed the extra few seconds of walking to calm my nerves.
Alexi sat on a bench looking into the sun with his sunglasses on his forehead. "Annika?"
"Yeah, it's me." I wore a cheap blue sundress with a flower pattern, like something from the 1970s, paired with my dirty sneakers and my long blonde hair braided to the side. I had no makeup on, looking more like a real girl, not the living doll I was at the party. "I'm so happy you called. I was afraid you would have something better to do."
He just gave a 'your welcome' smile and nod. Alexi looked quite different from his professional look from the night before. He wore a black leather riding jacket, over a plain t-shirt, with jeans and running shoes.
"Umm.. so you have the day off today?" I asked in my shy little girl voice.
"Does it matter?"
"Of course not..l-o-l." Yes, I seriously said L-O-L. To salvage my dignity I walked ahead of him, down the Atlantic City boardwalk. "Let's go there!" I pulled him to the first casino I saw. I knew I was not old enough to gamble in the state of New Jersey but with a mafia man by my side- maybe this would be my lucky day. I planted myself at a slot machine and proceeded to pull out way too many large bills.
Alexi was silent- but I could have sworn I heard him snicker before the inevitable happened.
"I'll need to see some id!" said an old crone of a casino worker. This woman was not security, likely just an employee who felt the need to make sure every gambler was over 21.
I, of course, refused, because even if I showed my ID it would show I was not 21.
"You and your daughter need to leave!" the worker said in a tone, too demanding for someone of her pay grade.
I was livid. "But I put a $100 in this machine!"
The old woman looked at the total, which was less than 100- meaning I was not taking home any profit. She pressed 'cash out' and handed the ticket to Alexi.
"Let's go," said Alexi, with a chuckle and an eye roll.
"Really?" I asked with a glare. "That's all you're going to say?"
"Very sorry about this," Alexi said to the worker. He gave a sarcastic smile before picking me up and throwing my smaller body over his shoulder like a caveman.
"What the Fuck?" I shouted once he put me down. "Do you know how much I got paid yesterday?"
"We can find something else to do," he said calmly, "Let's just go for a walk."
"But it's, like, 1000 degrees out."
"Don't make me regret meeting you here," Alexi replied with a laugh. "Why did you even take that job in the first place?"
"It was my roommate's idea. She was the bi-racial girl at the party with the purple hair. I think she's Philippine and Dutch or British.—all I know is she's an international student."
"I think I remember a girl with purple hair; quite open and flirty but in a very unappealing way."
"She meant well and the money was good, as promised," I said with a shrug. "Want to get a soda?" I was already making my way to a cafe, again hoping (or just assuming) Alexi would follow.
"Where is your family?" he asked as I ordered a lemonade and a pack of chips, pulling out money quicker than I could.
I bit my lip, as my mind searched for the words. "My family is all over the place."
Alexi placed a hand on my shoulder. "You are looking for forgiveness but not from God."
What the fuck, man? His words caused me to burst into tears. But at that moment, it felt strangely therapeutic. "I-I grew up in Maine. My dad died in a car accident eight years ago." I spat out the words like a piece of food stuck in a tooth. "My mother suffered no injuries, at least not physically, my brother Brian...m-my older brother broke his spine- but at least he also got into NYU- because nothing makes for a great essay like how breaking your spine caused you to want to rise above your handicap and fight for your dreams of becoming a journalist," I added an awkward chuckle to lighten the mood. "...And my mom lives in Tampa; she has good days and bad days. I don't really see her as much as I should."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not like you put a hit out."
"Was that a little Mafia humor at my expense?"
"Sorry, It's a joke me and my brother made up. There were just too many people saying 'sorry.' all the time it was getting annoying- sorry." I stood up, preparing for the inevitable. "You can leave if you want."
"Why would I leave?"
"Because I'm a hot mess," I muttered as I started down the boardwalk to a souvenir store. The entrance was full of cute, jersey shore, themed items.
Alexi followed, staying just close enough.
"My dad had been driving," I said as I looked at rainbow magnets with the state name and little seahorses. "A smaller car crossed over the barrier, hitting the driver's side of my Dad's chevy, so hard it managed to flip." I twirled a magnet between two fingers. "The steering wheel crushed my father's sternum, he died before the ambulance arrived- all on a beautiful sunny day."
"What about you?"
"My window was completely broken, so I was the first one to escape the car. I pulled my father's body out of the car, with supernatural strength, crying, screaming, and praying. If God would not take him I would be a good daughter; get good grades, go to a good college."
Alexi silently put his arms around my waist.
I put down the magnet and turned to face him. "My father tried to tell me everything would be ok. He admitted to me and only me; he was afraid of dying. Even if there was a heaven, he didn't want to leave his family."
"Let's go outside." We took shelter in the shade of an alleyway, by a dumpster. Alexi held me close, in the comfortable coolness. "Do I remind you of him?"
"My dad?" I asked, "way to make things awkward."
"Ok, I'll change the subject." Alexi placed a finger under my chin, lifting my face like a child's. "Tell me more about your brother. I can tell you are very proud of the person he became."
"Yeah, he was the strong one. When I pulled him out of the car I didn't even realize he couldn't feel his legs. He called 911 on his cell phone and motioned for me to lay down beside him. I told him I was scared. You know what he said? 'I don't want you to ever be scared.' I think he's the person you remind me of." I couldn't help but want to touch Alexi's body; he was real, he was there. Unlike my family.
"He sounds like a remarkable young man."
"He was, I mean he is: my brother got into NYU on a full scholarship. I was not so fortunate; I went to a New Jersey community college, paid for completely by loans. So when my roommate told me about all the money she was currently making as an 'escort' I thought it might be the quick fix I needed, at least for the current semester."
I wanted so badly to be held, to be Alexi's girl. At that moment I needed him and I knew he needed me. And he didn't seem to mind when I opened his zipper, reaching into his jeans.
"You don't have to do this." Alexi was already hard. And his gorgeous cock felt just as good as it did at the party.
"Do you know why I want to become a nurse?" I asked as I got on my knees. "Maybe I'll be able to save someone, someday."
I could tell, Alexi was resisting the urge to grip my hair. He leaned his head back, moaning. The lube of his sweat mixed with the liquid of my mouth to create a perfect environment. I sucked in my cheeks while taking his entire legnth down my throat- yeah, he was going to need to hold my hair if only to keep from falling over.
This wasn't what Alexi wanted, but by God this was what he needed- a deep, intense, passionate release.
I could feel him cum, his warmth creaming down my throat. He tried to pull out but I used my hands to keep him in place; Alexi would be released on my terms. I worked his cock like a tube of toothpaste to get out every last drop of cum. "You get to choose the next activity," I said as I casually wiped my lips. "But I want to go buy a piece of candy to get rid of the taste."
"You hate the taste?" Alexi couldn't help but chuckle.
"Yeah, it's gross. But it's all part of the healing process; just like how nurses don't enjoy sticking IV's into veins or serving crappy food."
Alexi smiled, as he followed. "Do you want to sit on the beach?"
"Sure." I paid for a giant chai-latte flavored lollipop that was in the shape of the state of New Jersey and walked with him.
"How far do you live from here?"
"Not far," I said while attempting to bite off a piece of the oversized candy.
He motioned to sit on the beach; even though I could tell he had no idea the sand would be painfully hot. "That was a mistake," he said getting back up immediately.
"Don't get to the jersey shore much?"
"Let's just keep walking then."
"Ok," I said as I sweetly took his hand. "So, I guess... tell me about your family."
"Nothing to tell."
"Well, do you have any siblings? Any parents?...kids?" After all, he was old enough to be a father maybe even a grandfather.
"No."
"No what?"
"My parents are long gone, I have two bothers that I have not seen in over a decade, and I have never had a child."
"So where are we going?" I asked, to change the subject.
"Any place that would make you happy."
"Take me to the arcade and I'll sneak you into my dorm room." I leaned in and discreetly kissed him on the lips. "Have you been to an arcade before?"
"How old do you think I am?"
"I could guess, but you would never tell me anyway."
"I have secrets of my own," he said, placing his hand over mine at just the right angle. Although he was not missing any fingers, clearly they had been broken once or perhaps several times; below black ink tattoos on his wrinkled callused hands were clear evidence of scars.
"Not exactly a secret; you have the hands of a soldier." I brought his hand to my lips, to gently kiss his tattooed knuckles. "But your hands are not your heart."
"You are very wise- for a little girl."
We went to the nearest arcade, an outdated place consisting of video games that came out in the early '90s and other activities involving balls and tickets.
"Can I have a quarter, Daddy?" I asked in a baby voice while licking my lips.
In response, Alexi put a fifty dollar bill in the token machine and took only 4 tokens for himself. "Take what you want, or don't," he said, as he walked to the ticket games.
I took a handful and then left the rest to whatever lucky person came after.
Alexi was surprisingly good at ski-ball, using an unorthodox method: ricochet the ball off the side of the target with such force it almost broke the hole it was trying to land in. "What? How do you play this game?"
"Most people roll the ball, as opposed to pitching it."
Alexi grabbed the handful of tickets. Even scoring an illegal amount of points, there were only about forty prize tickets. "Here, treat yourself to plastic frog or a pencil."
"What if I'd rather treat myself to you?" I moved in close, brushing my lips to his.
"I think it's about time I took you home."
"Just what I wanted to hear. Where are you parked?"
I was a little surprised when Alexi took me to his motorcycle.
"Oh," I said, out loud.
"Are you disappointed I don't have a car that cost more than most people make in a year?"
"Now that I think about it, I actually think I would have been disappointed to see a car; this is more fun, more you. Do you have an extra helmet?"
"Helmets were never really my thing."
"I guess I'll just have to hold on tight." I gave the address of my dorm. On the ride over, I explained that my roommate may or not be home but it didn't matter, because she knew all about
Alexi- my angel. And if anyone else saw us, they would probably assume he was my dad or a visiting relative. But even with that in mind, as soon as Alexi parked I cupped his face, kissing him with such passion he would taste the long eaten lollipop.
Alexi only smiled. "Meet me here tomorrow, 5 pm," he said with a sweetness that went against his rough exterior. "The moment is not right. There is much more I want to show you."
"Oh, that fine." I kissed his lips again, and then his neck. I simply could not pull myself away. "Sorry. See you tomorrow at 5 pm." I mouthed, 'Love you' as he drove away.
Part of me was afraid I had come off too strong but Alexi arrived the next day, exactly when he said he would. I ran out to greet him wearing a plain t-shirt paired with white denim jeans.
"I want to show you my home. And I brought you a gift." He tossed a helmet from his pack.
"Really?" I got on the back of his motorcycle. It was a twenty-minute ride to his rural New Jersey cabin, but the view was just breathtaking.
Alexi lived completely off the grid; a generator, a water pump, and fire. No wi-fi, and a barely usable phone.
I had never been so far into the woods, and it was fucking magical! By the window birds were eating from the trash. "Have you seen this?"
"The birds?" Alexi looked through his trash and found a sizable amount of old bread. "Did you want to feed the birds?"
"Heck yeah!" it had been ages since I fed birds. I called them by made up names and tossed bread until there was none left. All while Alexi cooked a stew on his wood-powered stove. "Can I use your bathroom?" I asked, already headed there.
There was an awkward pause. "Sure, do enjoy the garden."
The bathroom was basic, with a simple toilet, cabinet, and exit door. The glass paneled door was more fascinating than anything, opening into an outdoor shower overlooking a small flower garden.
I used the toilet then went back inside. With the lack of air-conditioning and Alexi using the stove it was getting a little too warm in the house. Luckily the sun was setting, so we could eat outside in the reasonably comfortable night air. "Wow, you have quite the liquor cabinet."
"Don't forget I know how old you are." He joked. It's not like he would get in trouble for it.
"So, help myself?"
"If you feel you need to." Alexi served the food and they ate outside on lawn chairs.
I took a shot of cheap store brand vodka, then proceeded to pour an entire mug full. "It's so nice out here. What do you do when you're alone?"
"Read, cook, garden, and sometimes I paint."
"I would love to see your paintings." Under the filled sky, I held his hand.
It was in the moment of love Alexi decided to ask an odd question. "Was I your first?" He took a long swig of vodka as if to prepare for the answer.
"No, after my father died, people say I fall in love too easily," I said looking up at the stars. "Do you have any paintings here?"
"There's one. You'll know it when you see it."
After eating, I fell asleep in his arms. He must have carried me to his bed, to sleep off the vodka while he slept on the couch.
I awoke to the sound of Alexi coughing. By the light of the moon, I watched him in the bathroom; he grasped at the sink as he coughed up blood. He wiped his mouth briefly, before sitting against the wall.
I went back to bed. If Alexi wanted to tell me the truth if his condition I would allow him to do so on his own terms.
The next morning I awoke next to him, feeling rested and peaceful. In the morning light, I could finally see his painting; an elaborate mural over the entirety of the room. Two walls displayed a surreal image of the iconic cityscapes of Russia blending into flowers and other plants. He clearly used acrylics; as the paint lent a sensual texture to every object. She stroked her hand over a single flower. Every detail could be felt through the intensity of the brush strokes.
"Do you like it?" Alexi asked as he awoke with a gentle yawn.
"It's amazing. Have your paintings ever been in any gallery?"
"No, but do you remember what you said about religious paintings?" he said with a chuckle.
"No way! You painted the ones in the office?" I probably sounded so childlike, but I couldn't help it. Alexi's amazing, passionate talent made me truly excited.
"Not all of them." he shrugged. "Are you hungry? Let me take you someplace a little more special."
"What could be more special than this?" I got back into bed to give him a hug. "Plus, don't you have to work?"
"If I did I would know," Alexi said flashing a cell phone that he kept on his nightstand.
"Ok then, what did you have in mind?"
​
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